Yes, yes I do.
Do I think I'm doing a good job as a stay-at-home-mama of three?
I'm not sure...
This week has me feeling all kinds of ways, and I have had such a pull at my heart to just sit down and write.
Not to be all woe-is-me and not to look for sympathy, but just to put my thoughts on a screen and try to make sense of all the things I am feeling these days.
I've had a rough week. And I hate even saying that, because it's been rough for good reasons, for all the right reasons...
...rough because I have three kids who need me. But I have THREE KIDS who need me!
...rough because the house is a disaster. But I get to live in a BEAUTIFUL HOUSE that needs cleaning!
...rough because there is laundry to do and dinners to cook and lunches to pack and medicine to give and a business to run and holidays to prepare for and budgets to crunch.
But we have clothes! And food! And school! And doctors! And a job! And families! And money in the bank!
I just can't seem to get myself right this week, though. As we settle into life as a family of five, I find myself questioning every single day if I am doing ok, doing enough as a mama of three. And this week - honestly - I haven't felt like enough.
I'm a stay-at-home mom, but my house has been a mess, dinners have been shoddy, I haven't played with my kids, I haven't given my husband the attention he deserves, and I've had to restart the washing machine three times because of a forgotten load. It's just been one of those weeks where I can't figure out where the time is going or why I'm feeling so inadequate and overwhelmed. It's like I go-go-go from the minute I wake up until the minute I pass out asleep at the end of the day and I just can't give enough to any part of my life.
It hit me yesterday when I felt myself in tears because I missed my kids. I'm home all day, yet I missed them. I missed laughing with them and running around with them and rolling on the floor with them and just being present with them. I missed them because I was so overwhelmed with taking care of all of the other "stuff" - the cleaning and the laundry and the organizing and the shopping and the general to-do's of life - I just haven't been able to actually be with them like I want to be.
And yes, the days are long but the years are short and yes, the laundry will still be there and who cares about the dust bunnies - but the truth is, all of that stuff still has to get done at some point, ya know? It is my job - to be a mama and to take care of all the ins-and-outs of our lives - and I'm just not feeling good about how I'm performing these days. As a wife. As a mama. As a housekeeper. As a business-owner. As a friend.
Last night I literally high-fived TJ to tag him in as he walked in the door from work and I walked out to go get my haircut. And the angels sang HALLELUJAH, because I got an hour ALL BY MYSELF.
And y'all, it was glorious. And not just because of the way she massaged my head in the shampoo sink... but because she was my therapist for the entire hour.
"So, what's been the hardest part since Brooks was born?" She asked.
I'm not sure she intended for me to absolutely spill over with all I had on my mind, but boy did she get an earful. And she listened and offered advice and made me take a step back and give myself some grace and we laughed and came up with some ideas to help me feel better about things. And I kept telling her I felt guilty for even complaining about it all. It all feels like such first world problems... and I can't help but go back to where I was four years ago, when we battled our infertility and yearned to have a chaotic life with a house full of kids.
But just because this is hard, just because I have a bad day, just because I am overwhelmed to the point of tears sometimes - none of that means I'm taking this for granted. That I'm not grateful for the chaos, the noise, the exhaustion. And my
"Your worst day with them is better than your best day without them." Which is so, so true. <3
It's okay to not feel like enough sometimes. It's okay to actually not be enough sometimes. I can't do it all, ya know? Some days I will rock that laundry. Some days I will make a delicious, well-balanced dinner. Some days our house will be clean. Some days I will succeed in making my husband feel loved and adored. Some days I will spend hours playing with my children. But I cannot do it all today. I cannot get it all done, all of the time.
And I guess that's ok.
I remember the days I prayed for what I have now - and yes, one day the house will feel too empty and too clean and too quiet. So I will love every second of this season of life. But it is hard, you guys. Beautiful and exhausting and hilarious and messy and overwhelming and just plain hard.
But I just hope, with all my heart, that my people - especially my husband and my three children - know that they are so incredibly loved... that they are my happy thoughts... that they make my world go 'round... even if that world is upside down most days.
Yesterday I ate lunch while nursing Brooks and simultaneously pumping the other boob and I had to take a picture and laugh at the hilarity and absurdity of the moment. Multitasking much?
And yes, pizza for lunch because who needs to lose baby weight?!
And I also have to disclose that about two minutes after I snapped this picture I nearly knocked my plate of pizza off of the tv tray and in an effort to grab it (SAVE THE PIZZA!) the entire bottle of pumped milk spilled all over Brooks and me.
And yes, I did cry over spilled milk. Because #liquidgold.
It was basically the icing on the cake of a week that has kicked my butt. But a week that has taught me a lot about who I am right now and who I want to be and what I want to do better... for myself and for my family.
This morning CK told me I was the best breakfast maker EVER. All I did was toast a piece of bread, you guys. But you'd better believe I picked up that tiny little 5-year-old compliment and put it in my pocket because today I need all the atta-girls I can get.
Today I want to soak it all up - the good and the bad - I want to keep our house afloat, I want to laugh with my kids and kiss their boo-boos and teach them right and wrong and apologize when I lose my temper and give myself some grace and learn to love each fleeting moment.
And I want to wake up tomorrow and try to do it all again, just a tiny bit better.