Thursday, January 29, 2015

I Remember.

To the woman who continues to see that negative pregnancy test, promising herself she won't take another test and put herself through yet another disappointment... I remember.

To the woman who is so tired of calling to schedule OBGYN appointments because you're not pregnant... I remember.

To the woman who is so overwhelmed by the diagnoses and medical verbiage thrown at you, and even more overwhelmed when you type those words into Google... I  remember.

To the woman who just got about $10,000 worth of medicines delivered to your doorstep, making you feel both excited and anxious and terrified... I remember.

To the woman who feels like everyone, everyone, everyone is pregnant - but not you... I remember.

To the woman who feels like you are constantly controlled by your hormones, forever at their mercy... I remember.

To the woman who feels like all spontaneous intimacy with your husband has been lost... I remember.

To the woman who feels like all she gets is bad news from the doctor, dreading the phone calls and lab results and ultrasounds... I remember.

To the woman who is constantly fighting the battle between feeling hopeful and hopeless... I remember.

To the woman who has an alarm set to give herself painful shots each night, mixing hormones and crossing your fingers and toes that the one remaining egg will just grow, grow, grow... I remember.

To the woman who is grieving the loss of your unborn, newly developing, precious baby... I remember.

To the woman who wants so badly to celebrate other pregnancy announcements, yet can't shake the ache in your bones to have the same news, and the guilt for feeling jealous and resentful... I remember.

To the woman who struggles to remain faithful... I remember.

I'm not here to tell you that your time will come - that God has a plan - that everything happens for a reason - that you should just relax - that you should be thankful for what you do have.  I know how much those words can hurt.

I'm here to tell you that though I'm on the other side of my journey... I remember.

I know there are quite a few of you who found my blog because of my struggle through secondary infertility and multiple pregnancy losses.  People who found solace in knowing they weren't alone.  

I remember following other bloggers who shared some of my struggles, and when they overcame their infertility and were celebrating pregnancies and birthing babies, it hurt - because I was back to feeling so isolated.

If you're still struggling, know that I haven't forgotten.  And I never will.  I will always, always remember the heartache, the disappointment, the stress, the depression, the worry, the fear.  I know how incredibly blessed T and I are, and trust me - not a day goes by that we don't remind each other of that.  I look down at E every single day and am so incredibly overwhelmed with joy and thankfulness.  And seeing his face reminds me to always, always remember the journey we took to get him here.

So please know, I will always remember.  I will always consider myself part of your world - a world one can only truly understand if they've heard the words "pregnancy loss" or "D&C" or "IUI" or "IVF" or "infertile."

You're not alone... please don't ever feel alone.  And know that my wish for you is to remain hopeful, so hopeful, no matter how hard it is.  And I promise that I will always, always remember.

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Always, Sometimes, Never

I always...

...fall asleep on the couch before I go upstairs and get in bed.

...have to play Cameron Kate's cd's in the car, and it drives me crazy.  When I get to ride down the road solo and listen to the actual radio, I feel like I'm on vacation. laundry on Mondays.

...drinks tons of water, everyday, all day long.

...wash my face at night, no matter how tired I am.  Probably because I am obsessed with my skincare products, Rodan + Fields.  I work for the company and have for two years, which means I get to write-off these awesome products.  Win, win!

...pop my knuckles.  Such a bad habit! Greek yogurt now.  I made the switch from regular yogurt a couple years ago, and now the regular stuff tastes awful to me!

...want to start wearing cute pajamas, but inevitably end up in a ratty old tshirt and baggy pants.

...make CK use hand sanitizer as soon as she gets into the car from preschool/running errands/etc.  I think it has helped a lot during this crazy cold and flu season!

...hate when public bathrooms have hand dryers rather than paper towels!

...wish I had a decent singing voice.  It's terrible!

I sometimes...

...skip having a drink or two at night, but very rarely.

...take baths.  Which is a big change, because this used to fall under the "never" category.  Mostly, I soak in hot, smell-good bubbles and sip wine, using the "Babe, I need to take a bath" excuse to sit in a room by myself for awhile.

...think I should try couponing to save money, but then I'm too lazy to try.

...imagine what it would be like if I could write for a living.  It's no secret that I love to write, as you can see from this narcissistic blog.  The thought of getting paid to write?  That would seem too good to be true. white wine, but almost always prefer red.

...feel like I have no idea how to parent a three-year-old.  I just ordered a book recommended to me by my sister, who is a pretty amazing mama, so I'm hoping it'll help me!

...think I could be a vegetarian.  I really could probably do without meat.  Except seafood.  I love seafood. embarrassed to drive our minivan.  So vain, I know.  We sold our nicer cars to help pay for fertility treatments, and now T drives a 1990ish Honda Odyssey.  When I have to drive it, I'm always hoping I don't see anyone I know!

...but rarely, skip exercising.  Whether it be running, or walking, or Jillian Michaels, or just some lunges, I feel like I have to try to move each day.  It helps me feel sane, but also...

I never...

...knew how hard it would be to get my body back after baby #2.

...cut my sandwiches.  I eat them as one big square, around the edges first, then the middle. able to diet.  I can work out every single day, but have never had that same discipline when it comes to eating.  I am in love with food.

...floss.  My hub flosses every single night, and for whatever reason, I just cannot get myself in the habit.  (Sorry to my dentist sister!)

...drink diet drinks anymore.  During our fertility struggles, a naturopathic doctor convinced me to switch to regular.  Now, diet tastes awful to me.  So, one cup of coffee in the morning, and one regular Coke in the afternoon.

...put my kids to bed without whispering to them our own, special sayings and thanking God for allowing me to be their mama.

...cook on the weekends.  I tell T that the weekends are a break from my "job," too.

...go a day without eating fruit.  Almost always a banana in the morning and an apple in the afternoon.

...take it for granted that I am able to be a stay-at-home mama.  I spent two years as a full-time working mom, and in my opinion, there was nothing harder.  Financially, it's not easy for us to make this happen, but we're trying, and I am so thankful.

...go without having something sweet to eat after dinner. (See: baby weight.)

...forget what it was like during our pregnancy losses and fertility struggles (more on that in another post, soon) - which means no matter how exhausted or overwhelmed or stressed I feel in this whole mama-of-two gig, I am always, always grateful. <3

Thursday, January 15, 2015


Whoever coined the term "terrible two's" clearly hadn't parented a three-year-old.

You guys.


And after posting the above picture on social media, it's clear that I am not alone.

And that particular meltdown was because HER SLEEVES DIDN'T PULL ALL THE WAY DOWN.

I feel like I walk around the house on eggshells, in constant fear that I am going to do or say something to rock her emotional boat.  Like cutting her sandwich the wrong way, or saying the blessing too quietly, or giving her three carrots instead of four, or not turning the radio on loud enough, or putting her socks on with the seam crooked (all true stories).

When I picked her up from school on Tuesday, her teacher, unprompted, said she absolutely adored CK, stating "If only I had 12 students just like her."

Wait, huh?

Her teacher must be magical because at home, I constantly hold my breath waiting for the next meltdown, completely at the mercy of my 3-foot-tall boss who is frequently heard shouting, "I CAN DO IT BY MYSELF."

Girlfriend is so emotionally fragile, y'all.  She wants what she wants when she wants it.  And she ain't scared to tell you, or show you by throwing herself on the floor, kicking and slamming doors, screaming at the top of her lungs...

Like the other night when she refused to go to bed, throwing a two-hour-long tantrum.  T and I sat on the couch, I drank beer to keep my cool, and we listened to her yell I'M NOT TIRED while she ran up and down the hallway, throwing toys and slamming her door and crying and basically just being completely insane.  When it finally got quiet, close to 10pm, we went upstairs and girl was passed out, facedown on her bedroom floor.

I write this post because (a) I always want to keep it real... and show you what lurks beyond the whole my-life-is-perfect everyone portrays on social media; and (b) I need to vent because you guys, this is hard and I AM EXHAUSTED.

And funny enough, my exhaustion has nothing to do with the newborn living in our house.  He's got nothing on his big sister.

I am trying so hard to be firm and consistent with discipline and positive reinforcement while also choosing my battles, which is proving to be a tricky balance.  I want her to know who's boss, but I also just get so tired of all of the shenanigans.

I always heard life with a threenager was not for the faint of heart.


I never, ever want to wish away my kids' childhood, because I love my girl to pieces and she definitely still brings us so much joy...

But honestly, if I had the option to maybe, just maybe, hire someone to take my place until sister turns 4, I'd probably consider it.

Monday, January 5, 2015

2 Months

Oh, this boy.

Such a happy, smiley, easy-going little stud muffin.

We've made some big strides over the past month - E has moved into his own crib at night, sleeping 7-10 hour stretches.  Two of his four-ish naps are also in his crib, with the others being on my chest or in his swing.  We always put him down awake, too, so that he doesn't depend on us to fall asleep.  So proud of our little guy!

He took his first bottle this month when I finally started pumping.  He nurses every 2-3 hours during the day, likes being swaddled, takes a paci sometimes, loves to sleep in the jogging stroller during our runs, wears 3-6 month clothes, enjoys watching his mobile, and has the sweetest coos.

He loves to show you that he recognizes your face and voice by giving you a huge, gummy grin, and he also kicks his right leg when he gets really excited.

He is 13lbs, 10oz of pure sweetness and joy.

Happy 2 months, Everette Lawrence.  I love you with all my heart and soul!