Should Have Been...

I'm having a hard time... 

stuck focusing on what should have been.

Today should be my due date.

I should either have a newborn, be in the hospital in labor, or be anxiously anticipating the first contraction.

I have dreaded today since December 20th - the day our baby's heart stopped beating.  And at that time, when I thought about July 30th, it seemed so far away.  And I always thought we'd surely be pregnant by now.

Yet here we are...


So it's hard for me, because logically I know it's a waste of energy and emotion to focus on what could have and should have and might have been.  But I can't ignore the ache in my heart, the hole that will probably always be there, longing for the baby whose heartbeat we heard.  But whose heart just wasn't quite strong enough to keep on beating.

Today, since I'm not having a newborn, or in the hospital in labor, or anxiously anticipating the first contraction, I will let myself experience the darkness, feel the pain.  And then I will squeeze my little girl extra tight and soak in every ounce of her being, knowing I am so, so lucky to be her mama.

And with all of my heart I will hope and wish and pray that one day, someday, I can be a mama to another little blessing.