Enough

This week has been rough.

And by rough, I mean it's included some of my hardest "mothering" days to date.  So rough, in fact, that I just drove up to T's work, dropped off Cameron, and told him I needed to go home and drink and write for a little while.  He (of course) happily obliged, and here I am.

CK has been a bit of a handful since entering toddlerhood, but this week took it to an entirely different level.  Monday was disastrous.  She was a whiny, clingy, fussy mess.  On Tuesday, she had a low-grade fever and that day was worse than Monday.  And then on Wednesday, she woke up with a temperature of 103 (which is pretty high for her, she's usually very low).  There were no other symptoms.  We initially thought she was possibly getting her two-year molars, but the 103 fever seems a little too high for teeth.

Anyway, her fever started to go back down today, hovering more around the 100-101 range.  But she's still been exhausting.  She literally whined and fussed and said, "Up mama, up mama, up mama, up mama" for over twenty minutes WHILE I WAS HOLDING HER.  I was like, "LOOK CHILD, YOU ARE UP WITH MAMA!!!!!!!"  It's been tough because obviously something is going on with her little body, be it teeth or a virus, so we can't differentiate between what is "sick" and what is her just being, well, a toddler.  

Add her mood to my struggling emotional state this month and stress level with looming to-do's, and I've been on the brink of totally losing it.

Dramatic?  Maybe.  But this week I just feel like I'm not quite enough.

Questioning whether you're "enough" is a constant struggle for any mama, and for me lately it's been sitting on my shoulders like a cloud of guilt, taunting me, like, "Look!  Your child is a mess and your house is a mess and you haven't gotten anything done today and you haven't put in enough play-time with your child and you haven't tackled any of your summer home improvement projects and you're about to order a pizza for dinner for Pete's sake!"

Maybe it's because as of tomorrow, our summer is halfway over, but I'm in this place right now where everywhere I turn I see something that needs to be done.  Like the purge list I made months ago in an effort to clean house.  Or the black ants that won't get the hell out of our kitchen no matter what we try. Or the pile of home decor items I purchased a month ago that are still sitting in our kitchen waiting to adorn our walls.  Or CK's baby book not even close to being finished (yeah, she's almost two).

Trust me, the list goes on.

So why, you ask, am I sitting here drinking and writing rather than doing some of those need-to-get-done tasks?

Writing is my therapy.

Well, writing and drinking and running (which I did early this morning to try to clear my clouded head... run, that is - not drink).

So here I am.  Wrestling with what words to put on the paper screen to represent the dark, blah place I'm in right now.  But typing faster than I can even think because the words just wanna come out.

I don't feel good enough this week.  At the end of each day, I'm all, "Did I do enough today?  What did I do today?  Why didn't I get more done?  WHERE DID THE DAY EVEN GO?!"

I'm questioning whether I'll be able to hold my temper during the toddler years, and feeling sad when I see Cameron's temper come out, knowing it's probably something she inherited from me.

I'm wondering why I can't seem to get my child to nap for more than thirty minutes.  This is one of the reasons why I'm feeling so exhausted and unaccomplished - a toddler who doesn't nap leaves you ZERO time to breathe.

I'm second-guessing whether I put in enough face-play-time with my sweet girl.  Sure, we play, and everyday of our summer break I try to take her to do something special, whether it's a magic show at the library or SciWorks or the pool or story time at Barnes & Noble.  But, when we're home (because we're not home very often), I'm usually trying to get her engaged in something independent so I can try to GET SOMETHING, ANYTHING DONE.  And yes, I know independent play is important.  But so is soaking up my time with her.  And yes, I know a to-do list can wait, because it won't be like this for long... but in a short month I'll be back at work and I know I'll feel a lot better about our summer if I've at least tackled SOMETHING from our home improvement plan.

I'm not looking for sympathy, or for reassurance, or for affirmation.  I'm just being real, and raw, about what's on my mind today.

I want to do better.  I want to be better.  I need to be better.  Not only for my family, but for myself.

This weekend I'll be going away to celebrate my little sister's last single days.  It'll be the longest I've ever been away from my girl.  I've been apprehensive about being away from her, but if I'm being completely honest here - after the week we've had - I need it.  I need a break, some girl time, some extra beverages, some staying up late, some sleeping in.

Some going to the bathroom in peace without a toddler yelling, "MAMA GO POTTY!  MAMA GO POTTY!  MAMA GO POTTY!"

I plan on filling up my "me" cup this weekend and coming back recharged and ready to hit the ground running during the second half of our summer.

I plan on making sure that from here on out, at the end of each day, no matter what the day has included, it's been... enough.