36

I will only be 36 once...

of that I am certain.

If I've learned anything in 36 years, it is that there aren't many guarantees in life, not a whole lot of things I can be 100% certain of --

There was a time in my life I felt certain about the following...

I'd never get divorced.

I'd never go back to full-time teaching.

I'd never drive a minivan.

I'd never get a tattoo.

I'd never get a doctorate.

I'd never get married again after being so heartbroken.

And now, here I am, 36 years old (today!) --

I'm divorced.

Back to teaching full-time, and so in love with my job.

Driving a minivan.

With two tattoos (and a third one likely on the horizon).

Carrying a yearning in my heart to pursue a doctorate.

Thinking maybe, just maybe, I do want to get married again.

...

My planning, organized, routine-loving, type-A self likes promises.  Guarantees.  Certainties.  Which is probably why it completely rocked every part of who I am when life as I knew (and loved) it got ripped out from under me two-and-a-half years ago.  What happened to all those promises, guarantees, certainties that I carried in the deepest parts of my heart?  What happened to my dreams that were coming true?  How do you keep living when those dreams lie scattered all around you in a million pieces?

In all of the brutal and beautiful messes of my 36 years, I've learned one thing for certain -- there aren't any certainties.  Not many guarantees.  It's been a hard and scary and painful lesson to learn, a difficult reality to accept.  But it has made me resilient, and brave, and independent, and strong, and humbled.

So today, as I welcome and celebrate another trip around the sun, I am allowing myself to still live a little scared, because I am an emotional human who will always be healing from heartbreak.  But I am pushing myself to live more faith-filled than fear-filled, more open than closed, more willing than afraid.

And on this birthday, I wish myself --

More promises kept than promises broken;

More icing than cupcake;

More peaks than valleys;

More loyalty than betrayal;

More yes than no;

More butterflies in my stomach than disappointment in my heart;

More pages turned than books left unread;

More I'll tries than I can'ts;

More sprinkles than ice cream;

More firsts than lasts.

36.... let's do this. <3