37

I can't say I imagined that turning 37 years old would happen while quarantined at home, with a pandemic across the nation, alone with all three kids for all 24 hours, on a rainy, stormy day.

But if I'm being honest, I also can't say I imagined my life at 37 looking anything like it does today.

Turning another year older, taking another trip around the sun always causes me to be reflective, introspective, still... I use the occasion to think about life up to this point, life from the past birthday until now, and my wishes, hopes, and dreams I have as a fresh, new, 37-year-old.

Over the past week or so, I have found myself reading over, and over, and over again the blog post I wrote in September of 2017.  It was a post I had stared at for weeks before hitting "publish" -- I remember how I felt both free and raw writing the words that turned my heart inside out and put them onto a screen.  My life had been shattered for almost a year, and I had kept it a secret as long as I could.  It was finally time to start stepping toward the sunshine.  And writing those words gave me the courage to start putting one foot in front of the other...

And now, two-and-a-half years later, I am so proud of all of the steps I have intentionally taken toward something.  You see, I told myself on that day that, though I was heartbroken and terrified, I needed to trust that God did not want me focusing on walking away from something; rather, He wanted me to know that He was going to guide me toward the light, toward the sun, toward a more beautiful life than I could even comprehend while in the middle of a dark and lonely valley.

And He did.

He has fulfilled His promises.

He never guaranteed a pain-free, risk-free, easy life; however, He does promise to make beauty from darkness... to make hope and life rise from the ashes of a broken, burned, and crumbled heart.

And I'm not naive to think that the rest of my life will now be pain-free, risk-free, or challenge-free.

But.

I am certain that no matter what comes my way as I start my next trip around the sun, I will trust Him and I will be hopeful, always.  I will believe in the rainbow that emerges after a storm, I will have faith in His promises of joy, and I will let Him continue to shine light into the scars of my once-broken heart.

Because at 37, I am more content with myself and my life than I have ever been before, ever ever.

And don't mistake that for vanity - don't for one second think I don't struggle with insecurities and fears and doubts during every single day that I walk through...

But I have fought like hell to be who I am today.  I have been shaped and molded for all of my 37 years, but also - mostly - by the past forty months.  I have worked so incredibly hard to learn and to heal and to pray and to go to therapy and to forgive and to trust and to ask for His provision and to listen and to ask again and to run and to read and to journal and to never stop hoping...

And today I am a girl who is madly in love with her life.

Exhausted, overwhelmed, stressed, worried, afraid?

Absolutely.

But because of me, I am happy.

I am the luckiest mom to the three most amazing kids,

I am a daughter, sister, and aunt in such an incredible family,

I am a grateful friend within a group of women I have known for almost my entire life,

I have a job that fulfills me and also feels as though I'm fulfilling God's plans for me while I am breathing here on this earth...

I am in a relationship with a man who sets my soul on fire,

I am a reader, a writer, a runner, and a lover of all things seafood and sweets,

I am a deep thinker, a big feeler of all emotions, a girl who wants to love with abandon,

I am silly and serious, great at spontaneous dance parties in the kitchen, yet terrible at actually cooking in a kitchen,

I am a to-do-list-maker, a Netflix enthusiast, a Spotify fan, and a wearer of robes and house-shoes...

And back in that post from September of 2017, I specifically said that I wanted to be defined by who I was, not by what I was doing or by the big and little moments of my life.  

And at 37, I feel like the life God has enabled me to live has given me the opportunity to do just that - to find out exactly who I am, know exactly who I am, and not apologize or make excuses for being exactly who I am.

I am me, and at 37, I know that I am the best version of me I have ever been.

I have a lot of work to do and I will continue to do it, trusting Him to light my path along the way, knowing I'll be with Him during the big and the small, the hard and the easy, the beautiful and the painful.

And as I walk forward on this path, on my path - as I walk toward the beautiful promises He has made me - I will continue to feel big and love hard and live a life punctuated by joy, by love, and by the yellow outline of my scarred heart that is so excited to see what my next trip around the sun will bring.

Cheers to 37! <3

~Brian Andreas~