I will only be 36 once... of that I am certain. If I've learned anything in 36 years, it is that there aren't many guarantees in life, not a whole lot of things I can be 100% certain of -- There was a time in my life I felt certain about the following... I'd never get divorced. I'd never go back to full-time teaching. I'd never drive a minivan. I'd never get a tattoo. I'd never get a doctorate. I'd never get married again after being so heartbroken. And now, here I am, 36 years old (today!) -- I'm divorced. Back to teaching full-time, and so in love with my job. Driving a minivan. With two tattoos (and a third one likely on the horizon). Carrying a yearning in my heart to pursue a doctorate. Thinking maybe, just maybe, I do want to get married again. ... My planning, organized, routine-loving, type-A self likes promises. Guarantees. Certainties. Which is probably why it completely rocked every part of who I am when life as I knew (and loved) it got ripped out from under me two-and-a-half years ago. What happened to all those promises, guarantees, certainties that I carried in the deepest parts of my heart? What happened to my dreams that were coming true? How do you keep living when those dreams lie scattered all around you in a million pieces? In all of the brutal and beautiful messes of my 36 years, I've learned one thing for certain -- there aren't any certainties. Not many guarantees. It's been a hard and scary and painful lesson to learn, a difficult reality to accept. But it has made me resilient, and brave, and independent, and strong, and humbled. So today, as I welcome and celebrate another trip around the sun, I am allowing myself to still live a little scared, because I am an emotional human who will always be healing from heartbreak. But I am pushing myself to live more faith-filled than fear-filled, more open than closed, more willing than afraid. And on this birthday, I wish myself -- More promises kept than promises broken;
More icing than cupcake;
More peaks than valleys;
More loyalty than betrayal;
More yes than no;
More butterflies in my stomach than disappointment in my heart;
More pages turned than books left unread;
More I'll tries than I can'ts; More sprinkles than ice cream;
"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead." 1 Peter 1:3
As I go through life, walking through darkness and emerging into a hope-filled, new beginning - Easter has become a holiday that hits me hard. And today in church, I had goosebumps and tears and goodness gracious it was just one of the best services ever ever. HE IS RISEN. And I am so thankful for the eternal hope that gives me. And keeping it real? We had to book it to church because right as we were leaving, Brooks needed an emergency sink bath thanks to his big brother squeezing half a tube of toothpaste into his hair. HASHTAG EVERETTE. But toothpaste incident aside, it was an egg-dyeing, bunny-visiting, too-much-chocolate-eating, snuggling, spoon-racing, fishing, egg-hunting-filled Easter weekend during which I got to love on my trio and spend time with some of my favorite people. <3
Oh, and I'd be remiss not to mention that it was also a whoopee-cushion-filled Easter. Besides celebrating an empty tomb, the whoopee cushions were definitely the highlight of the day. #dontjudge
Oftentimes you stay right beside me, right under my mama-wing, but my girl -- you were born to fly.
You are a sensitive soul and so very kindhearted, a deep-thinker and a questioner.
I guess I should've known after a 22-hour labor and a baby girl who arrived on her actual due date -- you like a plan, you like to know the plan well in advance, and you want things to be just right. (NO clue where you get that from!)
You are a soccer-playing, scooter-riding, still-Ellie-snuggling, reading machine. You love being in charge, chips with ranch dip, Laney and Moxie, salad, pizza, poppy seed chicken casserole, and feta cheese.
You feel big and you love hard, two things you got from me... two things that will make life difficult and scary and painful, but also worth the ride and full of courage and oh so hopeful and joyful. <3
You still lean into your non-girly, no-ruffle-ways; however, you're starting to kiiiiinda dip your toes into the world of pink and glitter and sparkles.
You are the absolute best big sister to your brothers, and you have such a special, unique relationship with each of them. They are so lucky to have you, Sissy.
As am I... I know I say it often, to you and to everyone else around us - but I really am not sure how I would've survived my deepest pains and my darkest days and my current upside down life withoutyou. You challenge me in ways I'm sometimes not ready for... but in ways that I need. You keep me honest, you keep me focused, you keep me present, you keep me silly.
You taught me what it's like to have my heart beating outside of my body, and not only do you make me proud of you, you make me proud to be me.
Cameron Kate - you are so many of my dreams come true. And while I feel sadness and trepidation that you are already seven-AND-A-HALF, I love every single part of watching you learn to fly. I love you, my sweet, precious girl. To the moon and back and more than anything in this world. Happy seven point five~ Mommy
The last time I did a CURRENTLY post I was on Spring Break, so what better time than an entire year later to update with another one? Since I'm currently
once again on Spring Break with a pause to update a blog I'm not sure anyone even reads anymore, here is what's been going on in our nonstop, but oh-so-wonderful life... I am CURRENTLY... *Loving - having a DOG!!!! Yes, that's right. Because I didn't have enough on my plate, I added another family member to our circus. Sweet, sweet Laney. <3 It's a loooong story...
And it all begins about six months ago when Cameron checked out two books from the library on beagles, wrote me a persuasive letter on why a beagle is the perfect dog for our family, and started saving her money to help buy one. I said no, nope, no way, absolutely not... and then six months later a one-and-a-half-year-old sweet beagle needed to be re-homed and pretty much fell into our laps and we are all just so in love and gosh she is just perfect for my trio and me. <3 And it made my mama heart so happy to help CK's dream come true because y'all, that girl is amazing and deserves every bit of joy Laney brings into her world. And she pretty much lights up the rest of our worlds, too!!
*Reading - Michelle Obama's memoir - so intriguing. Gosh, I love that woman. Also? I have a looooong list on my phone of BOOKS TO READ. I am such a bookworm and really need to keep reading as a part of my daily routine in order to be the best version of me. Also, if I haven't mentioned it, becoming an author is my lifelong dream. And in my opinion, the best way to prepare for that is to read, read, read. *Waiting for - Netflix to update with a new season of The Walking Dead! I was hot and cold with the show for awhile, and then I got hooked in big time. I'm not quite as big of a fan as my mama, but when she decided we should go on the backstage tour in Senoia (where they film the show, about 40 minutes from my house!) I was all in. And we had the best best time and it was SO COOL! And now, I cannot wait to watch the newest season since I've seen so much of it all up close and personal.
*Trying to -slooooowly ease my way back into exercising. Because y'all, I have been in the boot-of-misery for ELEVEN WHOLE WEEKS. And after an MRI confirmed the original diagnosis and that it's just taking awhile to heal, I was given the go ahead to wean myself out of the walking cast and begin light exercise based on pain level. And the angels sang HALLELUJAH.
*Excited about - celebrating the end of a successful school year that has challenged me in the absolute best way possible. Going back into a classroom was so scary for me this year... And I've almost made it! And gosh I'm just so proud of my students and my work wife/teaching partner and yes, myself! It's going to be so very bittersweet when this year comes to an end next month, and I'm honestly already feeling allllll the feelings about it.
*Working on - getting over the fact that I just took down my very last crib!! Brooks has been climbing out of his crib nonstop, and when a sweet neighbor offered up a bed for him, I took it - and then promptly left it in pieces in the playroom for awhile. I think I was in denial about putting my baby boy caboose in a big boy bed! But, the time has come, I guess. And to say he is excited is quite the understatement...
*Enjoying - watching my two kiddos playing spring sports! Which is a huge change compared to how I felt in the fall... I think I aged about ten years during the fall months of extracurricular sports, but for some reason this spring has been less stressful and oh-so-fun! Maybe it's because the kids are loving it, which brings me so much joy? Maybe it's because everyone is a little older, which lightens the mama-workload a bit? I'm not sure, but I what I am sure of is that I'm loving being a soccer-tball-mama right now.
*Using - my Ninja blender, every.single.morning. I never thought I'd be someone who drinks a protein shake in the mornings, because this girl right here loves food and needs to chew to feel like I've actually consumed a meal. But y'all... I've started making some nutrition/food changes and also started a new vitamin program (which I'll blog all about soon!), and I can tell a huge difference in how I feel! *Wearing - a left shoe! Woohoo!!
*Planning - on squeezing in some swimming lessons for Everette (and possibly Brooks) before pool days are upon us. My wild boys have NO fear when it comes to the water!! *Singing - some good ol' throwback songs that make me want to JAM. I recently created a playlist, and you guys, it is super embarrassing. Like, I went through all the songs I ever had on my iPod (remember those?) back in the 2000s and just added a whole bunch of random songs. #ashleesimpson #dontjudge -- and I'm not going to lie, I love jamming to some throwback songs at the top of my lungs! *Needing - a new podcast to listen to. I usually listen to something every morning while I'm getting ready for work. I loooove Jen Hatmaker's podcast, and prefer something in the same category - like something that makes you think and feel and ponder and pray and has all the self-help I can get. And I need a new Netflix show to binge-watch -- less self-help and more addicting/guilty pleasure please. Suggestions?
*Listening to - my gut, my intuition... In a recent counseling session, as we talked about following what my heart/gut tell me, and second-guessing myself... she asked me, "When was the last time you regretted a decision you made?" I sat there and thought for a good long while... "I can't think of anything..." "I know," she said. And then we talked about why. Guys -- your heart, your gut, that pull on your soul, that intuitiveness -- it's real. *Learning - I can't be all the things to all the people. I can't be everything to everyone. This is and always will be a hard lesson for me...
*Doing - a lot of snuggling with my trio. About midway through the school year when I was feeling overwhelmed and drowning and disconnected from the three most important little humans in my life, I realized how much better my days ended and began again when I had about 10 minutes with them piled on top of and around me in the comfy corner of our couch right before bedtime. Now it's a nightly routine that we all look forward to alllll day long. <3 *Wishing - that sunshine and warm weather were here to stay. We've had a couple warm, sunny days sprinkled inbetween some awfully cold, rainy weather and I've forgotten how much good ol' vitamin D feeds the soul.
*Dreaming of - a MINIVAN!! Lord I never thought I'd say that. Ha! But I'm in the market for a minivan and after figuring out what I want, I can honestly say that I am so excited about toting around my trio (+ Laney!) in a good ol' minivan. Judge all you want, because automatic sliding doors will be life.changing. Happy, happy warm-and-sunny-and-pollen-covered-spring-day!!
