Tuesday, July 14, 2015

At 4:59pm...

Two years ago, I was a full-time working mama.  It was hard, y'all.  I wanted so badly to be able to stay home with my CK, and TJ and I crunched numbers and analyzed Excel spreadsheets until we were cross-eyed, trying to figure out if we could make it work.

And we couldn't.

And then he applied for a job in Carrollton, GA, on a whim... and here we are.  Though finances are tight and pennies are pinched and budgets are followed, he now has a job that enables me to stay home with our babies.  Luckily for me, he not only supports me staying home despite the tight finances, but wants me to stay home and feels it truly is the best thing for our family.

Not a day goes by that I don't feel so incredibly thankful to be able to spend all day, everyday, with my kids.  Honestly, I do not take it for granted, as I know this time is precious...


Some days A lot of days are hard.  And feel long.  And are frustrating.  And exhausting.  And feel thankless.  And are trying.  And require lots and lots and lots AND LOTS (and lots!) of deep breaths.

It doesn't mean that there aren't incredible memories being made, or tons of smiles and giggles, or moments when I want to pinch myself because it all feels too good to be true.

But because I wished for and dreamed of and prayed for the opportunity to be a stay-at-home mama for so long, I think I feel guilty ever saying, "Whew, today was rough" or "I'm so, so exhausted" or "Today was just a bad day."

I feel like maybe saying out loud that our day was only okay or that I need to get away or that I'm frustrated makes it sound like I'm ungrateful for the opportunity to stay home... like I'm taking this gig for granted.

I wanted our family to grow so badly, wanted to give CK a sibling more than anything... and I have never been happier or more content as a person, as a wife, as a mother, as a woman, than I am today.  But that doesn't mean I'm not allowed to have bad days, right?  I'm generally a happy, cheerful, glass-half-full, chipper person.  So to ever complain about anything just feels like I'm coming across as ungrateful.  And I don't ever want to come across that way, because this life, these blessings, my husband, my children - I am so undeserving.

All of that to say, things have been exhausting around here, y'all.  CK goes from being adorable and hilarious in one moment to full-on threenager the next.  And if you've ever been around our house for a day, you know the kid literally talks/asks questions/MAKES SOME KIND OF NOISE from the moment she wakes up 'til the moment she goes to sleep.  She is so easily lovable, but can also be so incredibly frustrating.  And my sweet little lie-there-on-the-ground-and-smile-all-day E has transformed into a non-stop, mobile, into EVERYTHING baby who you can't take your eyes off of for one minute.  And also, he's sick, and getting another freaking tooth, and hasn't slept through the night in Lord knows how long.

So right now I'm having a lot of long, hard, exhausting days... days I wouldn't trade for the world, days that no matter how tired I am or how many deep breaths I take I STILL feel so incredibly thankful to be home with my kids all day... days where I start the day thinking, maybe I'll take a break from my wine tonight and then at 4:31pm I'm like OMIGOSH-TWENTY-NINE-MORE-MINUTES.

Yes, I know even though the days are long the years are short, but y'all, right now the days are L-O-N-G.  So if you see me looking ragged, if you hear me complain about my day, if you see me with a beverage before the generally acceptable time of 5pm -- please know that I am obsessed with my kids and in love with this whole stay-at-home-mama thing, but likely spent the day prying inedible things out of a baby's mouth and trying anything and everything to relieve teething gums and answering for the millionth time why dinosaurs aren't at the zoo and why Elsa wears long sleeves...

And pottying with the door open holding an eight-month-old on my lap while a three-year-old insists that her Barbie needs to brush my hair.

(True story.)

To the full-time working mamas, to the part-time working mamas, to the stay-at-home mamas, to the mamas who fall somewhere inbetween... It's okay to admit to not having your act together, to having hard days, to celebrate nap time, to count down the hours until bedtime.  It doesn't mean we love our kids or our lives or being a mama any less.  It means we're human.  So today, at 4:59pm, I'll raise my very-full wine glass and celebrate surviving another day, a day where we had a lot of great moments, and a lot of hard moments.  A lot of giggles, and a lot of tears.  Memories I'll cherish, and moments I'd like to forget.


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