Never Lose Hope

Oh, my sweet Rocky, how you continue to keep us on our toes.

Yesterday, we had our 31-week checkup.  All was well with me and my little miracle, praise The Lord!  Strong heartbeat, good tummy measurement, and he/she is an active little thing.  I never have to do those "kick counts" because the punches and jabs happen all day long.  Not to mention the fact that I can distinguish the body parts as they move across my stomach - like "Oh!  That was an elbow!"  

So amazing.

So anyway, as I've discussed before, after losing our last two babies they realized I had a blood-clotting disorder that was possibly to blame for ending the life of our little ones.  Apparently I pass clots throughout my body constantly, which aren't necessarily life-threatening for me; however, when they are passed to a growing fetus/placenta, the tiny little veins can't handle them.  Because of this, I was immediately put on blood-thinning injections (Lovenox) as soon as I got pregnant back in February.  It's a shot I give myself in my stomach (yes, even in my growing bump!) every night around 6:30.  It's not entirely painless, but it's nothing that me and Rocky can't handle.

I was told in the beginning of this pregnancy that I would need to stop the Lovenox at 36 weeks because you can't have an epidural if you're taking it (and just as a friendly reminder, I was in labor with CK for 22 hours and she came through the pipes with all of her 9lbs 14oz).  I never really gave the Lovenox a second thought, and have been counting down the weeks until I get to stop having such a sore and bruised tummy!

And then, last week, I started worrying - is Rocky really going to be okay without the blood thinner?  Is he/she strong enough, are his/her veins big enough, does the placenta still need it?

So I decided to bring it up to my doctor at this week's appointment.

I said, "I know I'm supposed to stop the shots in a few weeks, but are we sure the baby is going to be okay without Lovenox?"

And she told me it was time to refer me to an MFM (Maternal Fetal Medicine, aka "at-risk" doctor).  She felt like he could examine my situation with more expertise and give us the best advice moving forward.  Apparently, we may not be 100% sure that Rocky is ready to be without blood-thinner; however, being on Lovenox during labor and delivery means there's a high risk I could bleed out.

Needless to say, yesterday was an emotionally exhausting day.

It's hard, ya know, because you get so far along, and you start to think you're in the "safe zone," that this is all really going to happen - and then it's like a kick in the bruised stomach to hear that, wait a second - there are still all kinds of risks, all kinds of things to worry about.  And I know no one can promise me it's all going to be okay, but I'm just so tired of always being so scared.

So, that's where we are, me and Rocky.  We meet with the MFM in a couple weeks, and I am hopeful that he will give us all the information we need to feel confident in a decision as we move forward.

I am terrified.  Tears have been shed, sleep has been lost, worry has dominated every single thought since yesterday.

But...

I am hopeful, always,  Because from the very beginning of this journey, I promised myself I'd never lose hope...