Thursday, January 24, 2013

It Still Hurts

I get up every morning, so excited to go into Cameron's room, pick her up, and feel her nuzzle her head into the space between my neck and my shoulder.  My heart is so full when she pats my back and says, "Mama."  I cannot stop smiling when she runs over to me, giggling, arms spread open for me to scoop her up and drink in her joy.

But yesterday, I felt so empty.  I pulled up to my doctor's office for my post-D&C checkup, and I couldn't get out of the car.  My breaths came in fast-paced spurts, my heart raced, and then I saw a pregnant, beaming couple walk out of the office.  A knot filled up my throat and a tear rolled down my cheek.

It's been five weeks.

And it still hurts.

It hurts to look down and see my stomach, which should have a hint of a bump by now.  It hurts to imagine counting down the days 'til Cameron would be a big sister.  It hurts to think that I SHOULD be in my second trimester, missing deli meat and red wine and long runs.

It still hurts.

My heart is so full of love for the life I have with my husband and precious CK, and so empty with the could-have-should-have-beens.

I have many good days, many days filled with smiles and laughter, only mildly interrupted with the ache of my heart.  But I still have bad days.  Days like today, when I feel so scared.  And so sad, and worried.  And so empty.

Because it still hurts.


  1. Hey, just got your comment. I am not even sure what my username is on there, I find it so hard to navigate. Can you just find me on fb - avigail maddox?
    Just read your most recent post and it brought tears to my eyes. I haven't posted my story on my blog yet but I will soon when I am a little more ready.

  2. I certainly have felt your pain. There is nothing that compares to it and nothing that can remedy it until you're pregnant again. Just know that you are not alone in those feelings, they are totally normal, and that it won't be long before you're missing red wine again. :) Here for you, whatever you may need. :)

  3. I know 2013 has wonderful things in store for you. <3

  4. Hey Jessie,
    I just posted my m/c story today. Not the full thing, but my initial reactions. I hope that you can find some comfort in reading other's stories like I do. That sounds weird, but it helps reading that someone else is dealing with it at the same time, for me anyway.
    Story is posted here:

    -Avigail maddox

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  6. J Peele, Thinking and praying for you!! Sometime soon let's get together, or maybe after March haha :) You are so strong and have always been. I have looked up to you since the moment I met you! Love you bunches!! xoxo

  7. you are an amazing woman and mom! you will probably never understand a reason or a why, but hold on to knowing that God is not finished with you yet, and he has so much more in store for you! Love you!