Currently

It has been almost an entire year since I wrote a "Currently" blog post, and since the current state of my life (quarantined as the only adult in my house with three small children and a full-time job to maintain) has turned my brain into mush, I decided the best way to get my typing fingers back into blog mode was a fun, mindless, Currently post.  Andplusalso, what a weird time in our lives which equals a fitting time to document a snapshot of what's Currently going on in the Chapter of my life I'd like to call THE ONE WHERE I'M TRAPPED AND NOT UNHAPPY BUT ALSO DROWNING.

{forehead wrinkles courtesy of these two boys}

 Loving... these M&Ms, my secret stash of Cadbury eggs, allllllll the usually banned, quarantine snacks in my house, and my midday iced coffee (#3pmcaffeineboost #helpmeJesus).

Reading... Jen Hatmaker's newest book, Fierce, Free, and Full of Fire.  But wait - it's not available for purchase yet?!  Soooooo here's the thing - in a streak of absolute incredible luck and good fortune, I applied to be a part of her book launch team AND I WAS CHOSEN.  Which means I got an advanced copy and I get to communicate with my favorite author of all time and help spread the word about her amazing new book because it really is absolutely amazing.  So, preorder it now.  And thank me later.

Waiting for... His provision, His timing, His signs.  #4610

Excited about... SPRING BREAK.  Can I get an Amen?!  I'm not sure I've ever looked forward to a break ever in my life ever ever ever.

Trying to... squeeze in workouts any and every way I can during all of this social distancing mess.  (See: LOVING above.)  Y'all know I need to run and exercise like I need to breathe.  It is so therapeutic for me, and other than actually seeing my therapist, it is the #1 way I work through my big thoughts and even bigger feelings.  So, take away my gym and my freedom to run and I basically  melt into a puddle of woe is me.  Enter videos and gracious neighbors who will sit on my porch while my kids are napping so I can squeeze in a run and driveway workouts like the one below (which I basically triple and run up and down the driveway and almost die).  So, any other tips and hints you have for me to get my workout on in a creative way amidst a life of quarantine would be greatly appreciated!

Working on... giving myself grace, and more grace, and a little more grace during a time when I am putting so much pressure on myself to do ALL the things. 
Enjoying... spending so much face-time with my trio.  Don't get me wrong - I have lost my patience and taken so many deep breaths and cried and been so frustrated trying to figure out how to manage them + my job + life in general.  BUT.  I feel like I have gotten to know my CK, E, and 'Boosey so so much in the past three weeks.  I have seen new sides of their personalities, I have laughed so hard at their shenanigans, I have learned so much about their academic strengths and struggles... and while it is certainly not all rainbows and sunny days over here, these three bring a whole lot of sunshine.

Watching... Ozark Season 3 FINALLY!  Annnnnnnd perhaps just maybe a tiny bit of Tiger King.

Using... more technology than I ever have in my life.  And feeling SO thankful for it.  I'm honestly not sure I would be emotionally okay without my daily Google Meet teaching sessions with my work wife and our third-graders.  They give me LIFE.  And now that we know we will be teaching virtually for the remainder of the year (insert broken heart emoji), I am even more thankful for the ways I can push myself to connect with and make them smile from a distance.  (Like yesterday, when I busted out my high school cheerleader pom-pom during our live session. #noshame)

Wearing... no makeup for perhaps the most days in a row ever ever.  I tried at first, I really did.  A little concealer here, some mascara there.  But I waved the white flag and gave up.  So I apologize in advance to those who have to see my face during The Quarantine of 2020.

Planning... to maybe, possibly, watch a YouTube video to give my daughter's scraggly, rat's nest hair a homemade haircut.  Prayer request.

Singing... nothing that anyone can hear.  #yourewelcome ... BUT my current favorite song is Bones by Maren Morris and I will sing it as loud as I want (in the shower and in the car, by myself, thankyouverymuch).

Needing... to tackle sooooooo many projects around the house.  And it seems like maybe that would be easy to do, seeing as we're all stuck at home for the foreseeable future.  But good gracious by the time the day is over I am about one million percent more exhausted than I was back in Chapter Normal Life, and I basically collapse into sleep before Groundhog Day starts all over again.

Listening to... Monica and Jess Love Boys.  Ok, so.  I'm obsessed with podcasts, and one of my favorites is Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard.  Well, his cohost Monica broke off to do her own bonus podcast with her BFF and it has very quickly become one I am always looking forward to hearing!

Learning... so much about my trio during dinner when we sit at the table and pass around Table Topics.  Even with little kids, these cards provoke the most interesting, insightful, hilarious, inspiring conversations and make me look forward to dinnertime when - let's face it - dinner time with three littles can be more frustrating than enjoyable.  These are worth every penny and I highly HIGHLY recommend!  There are all different versions, so find one that works for you and Amazon Prime it asap!

Doing... a whole lot of reading, journaling, soul-searching.  While this pause from normalcy has been hard and insane and stressful and worrisome, it has also forced me to explore so many parts of my head and of my heart.  And I can only hope that in the future, in retrospect, there are parts of this chapter of my life that I will remember as times that gave me a new, clean, fresh perspective on love, on faith, and on this beautifully chaotic life that is authentically mine. <3

Wishing... I could bottle up my kids' innocence, joy, and imaginations.  During a time when the world outside of our four caving in walls is so uncertain and surreal, my trio has been resilient and joyful and happy.  Don't get me wrong -- they are driving each other (AND ME) absolutely crazy a lot of the times.  But.  I have also watched them soak in every minute they have to just appreciate and enjoy what is right here inside of our safe place.  Like... two days ago...  When Cameron came in and begged for a pair of scissors to "cut the grass."  I rolled my eyes and told her sure but made her promise to keep them out of the hands of her brothers.  About an hour later, she practically dragged me into the depths of our backyard to show me where she and Everette had cut off branches and "pokey leaves" to carve out a secret fort under a bush.  "We're besties now, Mama!" they exclaimed.  Into their fort, they had transported their picnic table, Everette's life saber, and a Target bag full of Brooks' favorite Paw Patrol toys ("They're in a bag in case it rains, Mommy") and they were just so happy and content and lost in their world of absolutely no limits.  And as a mama who dreams big and loves hard and feels all the feelings, I knew right then and there that this precious moment would live in the walls of my heart for all the rest of my days.

Dreaming of... Honestly?  A big, celebratory, hug-filled, loud, ridiculously happy reunion with my work wife and all of our students.  I always knew I loved my job, but there's nothing that'll make you appreciate it more than having it unexpectedly ripped out of your hands.  I cannot WAIT until we are able to celebrate how hard our students have worked all year long, especially in the middle of this virtual learning period during which our students and their parents are inspiring me more than they'll ever know!!
...And with that, it's time to put the work-from-home, teach-my-kids-at-home insanity away for an entire week.  Happy Spring Break from my trio and me!!

Disappointed in Myself, in the Valley

I open up my computer, desperate to begin.

There is no rhyme or reason to my writing, my blog posts. A feeling, a topic, an entire "essay" will hit me in the middle of a run, in the middle of the night, in the middle of cooking dinner.  And then it rises and falls inside of my soul until I can get to a computer to just GET THE WORDS OUT.  The letters will fly onto the screen as my heart pours itself into a vulnerable space.  And while terrifying, I find refuge in my openness.  I find security in my transparency.  I find peace in my honesty.

So.

I've had that stirring inside of me again lately, the stirring that I need to get my words and feelings out of my body... I am struggling, I feel unsettled, unsteady.  And I know that I'll start to silence my inner-demons if I can just get lost in the therapeutic tap-tap-tapping of my keyboard.

So I open up my computer, desperate to begin.

And my soul silences itself.

Where did the words go?  Where are all of the thoughts and emotions I needed and wanted to work through??

So I closed the computer, and sat in His stillness.  A knot in my throat accompanying the pit in my stomach.

And I realize why I am hesitant to let it all escape... why, today, it doesn't feel as easy to pour out of myself...

My hesitancy to write today comes because today - and lately - I have been finding myself in my darkness.

Stuck.  Scared.  Doubting.  Second-guessing.

Just weeks ago I wrote about hope and light and sunshine and approaching this new decade with all of those things guiding my steps.  And I meant every word, and felt the hope and light and sunshine in the deepest parts of how He wove me.

And then January...

It captured my light.  Stole it.  Stripped it away.  And I have been fighting like hell for weeks to keep moving forward, to keep clinging onto my faith, to keep hope in my heart and in my prayers and in each and every breath.

January - it is the worst month for my PTSD.  It triggers allllll the things.  Even when I am actively working to stay healthy mentally and emotionally. 

All it takes is the memory of a date on the calendar and what happened on that day, or a sound, or a voice, or a song, or the winter breeze.  And then my wound is gaping, my pain suffocating, my anger bubbling.

And I know it will always be there... that wound.  Those memories.  It will always be a part of who I am.  But it just doesn't seem fair when it all gets to swoop back in uninvited and make me feel sick to my stomach, stealing my joy.

My counselor calls it "the virus,"  which I've always found so fitting.  The virus of the memories, the scars - you can tuck it all away and work through the pain and heal and choose hope and joy and decide to live positively.  But I wouldn't be the honest, open, transparent Jessie I'm so proud to be if I didn't also let you know when my virus feels like it's winning.

That anger I mentioned a little bit ago?  This year, this season of PTSD has most of my anger directed toward myself.

I'm so mad at myself, so disappointed in myself.

Why do I let myself fall victim to it all?  Why can't I just stay happy and positive and eternally grateful and hopeful?  Why do I let any of my fears steal how far I've come?  I work every single day to recover, heal, grow, learn.  

I see a counselor regularly, read, study, talk to God, pray, journal, exercise/run out my stress and emotions, settle into joy with my kids, cherish time with my family and friends, sleep, write...  I get that it is a daily decision to stay in a hopeful place, but lately all that I do just doesn't feel like it is enough. Enough for me.

And I am so disappointed in myself.

I've been very reflective lately, asking myself the questions above, convicting myself.  Making myself really and truly take a deep dive into my "stuff."  Why does it still rock me so? 

I am so strong in my faith, so firm in my beliefs, so steady in my hope - and because of this I am able to choose every single day to live my life a certain way... yet lately I find myself feeling this kick in the gut - over and over and over again.

I know the external circumstances that have triggered me right now, and those I will keep private.  But internally?  I think I am finally getting a handle on why I am wrestling in a place of darkness.

I am scared.

I spent so much of the past couple of months alone, deep in thought and prayer and realizations.  Letting my heart and soul hope deeper than it quite possibly ever has.  It's like I've finally, truly, given myself permission to dream again, to wish, to long for wholeness and love and happiness and contentment and a firm, expectant faith.  And now that I've given myself permission to open myself up to the possibilities He has for me...

I am scared.

And fear? 

Fear will rob you.

I have been trying to fight it, to ignore it.  But during a time of year that rocks me to my core with the the most awful memories, fear found the perfect opportunity to grab my hand and pull me away from the peak I was fighting so hard to climb toward.

And now I find myself in the valley, disappointed in myself, alone.

Well, not alone.  I am in the valley with fear.

And fear breeds insecurity in me.  Doubt.  Worry.  Second-guessing.

In everything.

Fear breeds insecurity, doubt, worry, and second-guessing into my words, into my conversations with others, into my mama'ing, into my faith, into my friendships, into my relationships.

So the only way I know to fight fear, is to admit that it's here, with me...

And to admit that I am scared.

I am scared to long for the life I've been longing for, scared to dream of what my heart and soul so desperately crave, scared to trust Him with ALL of it, scared to try, scared of being broken again, scared of more scars, scared to keep being me, scared that I'm not enough, scared to hope...

And I don't know how or when I will look fear in the face and tell it it's a liar.  I don't know how I will keep hope in every step when I find myself struggling here, so disappointed in myself for allowing doubt to steal the essence of who I truly believe I am.

Today I don't have the answers, only the questions.  And today, I am hoping that by overcoming the fear to put all of this out there, I am taking a step back up toward the peak, out of the valley.  I felt the fear trying to sabotage my words today, and I wrote, anyway.  So if fear is trying to pull me away from my hope and away from the steadiness of my steps, maybe, just maybe, I can keep walking with hope, anyway...

The End of a Decade

I sat on a bench out near the water in Mount Pleasant, SC, yesterday.

Seems pretty insignificant, no?

I'd spent the past few days in Charleston, thanks to my brother and his wife surprising me with a flight to "get away" after Christmas.  And yesterday, I was hours from boarding my plane back to GA, and I decided to walk down to the water to enjoy my last few quiet moments and get lost in my book.

However, I only got through about half of a chapter before I had to close my book and sit in the beauty that can only emerge in solitude.  I turned on my Lauren Daigle playlist, clasped my hands together, curled over with my head in my lap, and allowed myself to fall deeply into the presence of that moment.

It was like I knew I needed to stop, be still, listen, wait, pray, listen some more, reflect, feel.

And it was then I realized that today is the last day of a decade.

An entire decade.

Today is not just New Year's Eve, it is New Decade's Eve.

On that bench, feeling the breeze and also the memories etched into all the places of my heart, I found myself reflecting on the past ten years.

This last decade found me joyfully married, earning a Master's Degree, giving birth to three incredible children, running two half-marathons, falling in love with my calling of teaching, being hired as a writer for a national blog circuit, moving to a new state excited about new adventures, and countless other moments of celebration and joy and praise.

This last decade also found me losing two babies, battling infertility, being heartbroken and betrayed beyond my worst nightmare, feeling the most scared and alone I've ever felt, living in a state too far away from my family and biggest support system, struggling financially and fighting to get back on my own two feet, navigating through some health scares, and countless other trials and tribulations and moments of despair and darkness.

Most importantly?  This last decade has produced a version of myself that I am proud of, a "me" that still has so many ways she needs to learn and grow spiritually, mentally, physically, and emotionally.... but a "me" that refuses to let fear drive and control my everyday.

I've said it before, but -- if 10 years ago you would've told me that I'd be living the life I am currently living, I absolutely, 100% would not have believed you.

Yet here I am.

And I am happy.  I am whole in ways I never knew I could be whole, by myself.

I have been lost only to be found again, I have been shattered only to allow Him to put me back together, I have been heartbroken only to find the pieces and allow the cracks to remain so that the light can shine through.

...

On that bench yesterday, head in my lap, hands clasped, cheeks wet with tears - I heard Him.

H o p e.

He kept whispering it to me, kept wrapping it around my soul with the breeze that was coming off of the water.

H o p e.

I knew what He meant.  The past decade brought joy and sorry, happiness and the greatest sadness I've ever known... but I never stopped walking toward the sun, I never lost hope.  In every trial, in every moment of affliction... behind every tear I cried over the past decade was a breath of hope.

And with that, I knew what I needed to do today, December 31st, 2019, the last day of a decade that has enabled me to grow into the exact person He intended for me to be when He created me for this beautiful life.

I did this.

I did this so that I can walk into the next decade with hope in every step.  Every prayer, every breath, every butterfly in my stomach, every moment of fear and of faith and of worry and of courage will be led by hope.

I've learned so much throughout the past decade, and for that I am eternally grateful.  After a lot of reflection and prayer and conversation and listening, I believe God knew and planned this life for me.  And as scary as it is not knowing what is coming next, how exciting is it that He does know?  

THAT.  That is what gives me hope.  He has a plan for me!  And I can feel in the deepest part of my heart that it will be good, so good.

I look forward to watching it all unfold by His grace.  I will hope for things, things I know I'd like to see happen in the next ten years.  I know where I'd like to be in the next decade,  I know what my heart desires, I know all I have to give someone, I know I am worthy of whatever He decides, I know that if I just wait, with expectant faith, and the kind of hope that makes my heart beat fast -- I can trust Him to give me the desires of my soul that align with His plans for me.  

For He knows the deepest parts of my heart, He knows all I hope for... things that are between Him and me, as I trust that as long I walk toward the sun with hope in each step, I am walking toward something beautiful, something beyond my wildest dreams, something that can only come from living with my faith, by His grace.

I am thankful for a decade that allows me to sit here and find the strength and courage, through these tears, to be just exactly who I am.  And I am looking forward to the next decade, which I feel with every ounce of my hopeful soul will be full of beauty far beyond anything I've ever imagined. <3

2019 in Review

As is my tradition, when the year comes to a close I like to reflect on each month and choose a picture(S) to represent what it held for us.  So, without further ado, here is what 2019 looked like for CK, E, Boosey, and me in a mamarazzi picture synopsis...

January:

 We went into the new year INTENTIONALLY, as I chose my "word" to focus on for 2019.  And, of course, we celebrated a National Championship for the Tigers!!

 February:

 A new tattoo (my second!) which is a daily reminder I will always need, and our first visit to Great Wolf Lodge.

 March:

 One of my most favorite pictures captured by a dear friend as I taught my daughter how to read a hymnal, one of my most favorite memories with my mom on a Walking Dead tour, and one of my most favorite decisions I've ever made -- welcoming our newest family member... Laney girl!!

April:

 A month of appreciating their blooming relationships, our daily snuggles, and buying the car I swore I'd never drive... a MINIVAN!

 May:

 Bad News Bears baseball, potty training the caboose, wrapping up a school year that challenged me in the best possible ways, and jumping into summer like HAAYYYYYYY.

June:

 Vacation Bible School, sweet summertime moments with my trio, and one of my most favorite life experiences to date - being a counselor at Woodland Christian Camp.

 July:

 A BLOMPS Beach Week to remember, and time with one of our most favorites. <3

 August:

 Welcoming E to "The Trojan School" + allllll the back-to-school excitement!! + a wedding weekend in CT, G Gram in Carrollton, and back to cheering for the Tigers in what we hope will be another championship-winning season!

September:

 CK rocking soccer, a much-needed girls' weekend with lifelong friends, my second half-marathon, and a 10K race that resulted in a first place medal!

 October:

 A family photoshoot that brilliantly captured our beautiful chaos, and a month during which I fell head-over-heals in love with my job.

 November:

A visit from my brother and his family that did my heart good, Saturday snuggles with bacon, cinnamon rolls, and College GameDay, and kicking off the season of thankfulness with my trio and some special time with my parents and my incredible G Gram.

 December:

 Whew!!  My girl's first ever 5K, which we ran hand-in-hand; BLOMPSmas 2019; taking CK as my wedding date =  a night to remember; E as a sheep and CK as Mary during the Christmas Eve church service; and soaking up allllll the magic of the holidays as a mama to an 8-, 5-, and 3-year-old.

2019 was peaceful and stressful, beautiful and insane, contented and worrisome, humbling and challenging, hopeful and despairing.  Which likely sums up most of the years of our lives, no?  I put 2019 behind us, thankful for the joy that allowed me to keep taking steps torward the sunshine, and appreciative of the trials that enabled me to grow in faith and in hopeful expectancy.

And?  I look forward to all the ways 2020 will undoubtedly challenge me, surprise me, and fill me with happiness in more ways than I can even fathom.
"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.  I say to myself, 'The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.'" Lamentations 3:22-24