I'd spent the past few days in Charleston, thanks to my brother and his wife surprising me with a flight to "get away" after Christmas. And yesterday, I was hours from boarding my plane back to GA, and I decided to walk down to the water to enjoy my last few quiet moments and get lost in my book.
However, I only got through about half of a chapter before I had to close my book and sit in the beauty that can only emerge in solitude. I turned on my Lauren Daigle playlist, clasped my hands together, curled over with my head in my lap, and allowed myself to fall deeply into the presence of that moment.
It was like I knew I needed to stop, be still, listen, wait, pray, listen some more, reflect, feel.
And it was then I realized that today is the last day of a decade.
An entire decade.
Today is not just New Year's Eve, it is New Decade's Eve.
On that bench, feeling the breeze and also the memories etched into all the places of my heart, I found myself reflecting on the past ten years.
This last decade found me joyfully married, earning a Master's Degree, giving birth to three incredible children, running two half-marathons, falling in love with my calling of teaching, being hired as a writer for a national blog circuit, moving to a new state excited about new adventures, and countless other moments of celebration and joy and praise.
This last decade also found me losing two babies, battling infertility, being heartbroken and betrayed beyond my worst nightmare, feeling the most scared and alone I've ever felt, living in a state too far away from my family and biggest support system, struggling financially and fighting to get back on my own two feet, navigating through some health scares, and countless other trials and tribulations and moments of despair and darkness.
Most importantly? This last decade has produced a version of myself that I am proud of, a "me" that still has so many ways she needs to learn and grow spiritually, mentally, physically, and emotionally.... but a "me" that refuses to let fear drive and control my everyday.
I've said it before, but -- if 10 years ago you would've told me that I'd be living the life I am currently living, I absolutely, 100% would not have believed you.
Yet here I am.
And I am happy. I am whole in ways I never knew I could be whole, by myself.
I have been lost only to be found again, I have been shattered only to allow Him to put me back together, I have been heartbroken only to find the pieces and allow the cracks to remain so that the light can shine through.
...
On that bench yesterday, head in my lap, hands clasped, cheeks wet with tears - I heard Him.
H o p e.
He kept whispering it to me, kept wrapping it around my soul with the breeze that was coming off of the water.
H o p e.
I knew what He meant. The past decade brought joy and sorry, happiness and the greatest sadness I've ever known... but I never stopped walking toward the sun, I never lost hope. In every trial, in every moment of affliction... behind every tear I cried over the past decade was a breath of hope.
And with that, I knew what I needed to do today, December 31st, 2019, the last day of a decade that has enabled me to grow into the exact person He intended for me to be when He created me for this beautiful life.
I did this.
I've learned so much throughout the past decade, and for that I am eternally grateful. After a lot of reflection and prayer and conversation and listening, I believe God knew and planned this life for me. And as scary as it is not knowing what is coming next, how exciting is it that He does know?
THAT. That is what gives me hope. He has a plan for me! And I can feel in the deepest part of my heart that it will be good, so good.
I look forward to watching it all unfold by His grace. I will hope for things, things I know I'd like to see happen in the next ten years. I know where I'd like to be in the next decade, I know what my heart desires, I know all I have to give someone, I know I am worthy of whatever He decides, I know that if I just wait, with expectant faith, and the kind of hope that makes my heart beat fast -- I can trust Him to give me the desires of my soul that align with His plans for me.
For He knows the deepest parts of my heart, He knows all I hope for... things that are between Him and me, as I trust that as long I walk toward the sun with hope in each step, I am walking toward something beautiful, something beyond my wildest dreams, something that can only come from living with my faith, by His grace.
I am thankful for a decade that allows me to sit here and find the strength and courage, through these tears, to be just exactly who I am. And I am looking forward to the next decade, which I feel with every ounce of my hopeful soul will be full of beauty far beyond anything I've ever imagined. <3
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