A Letter to my Fiance

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” Lao Tzu

To my fiance.

My best friend.

My person.

THE love of my life.

My future husband.

My forever…

Adam,

I have known love.  I have known relationships.  I have known having a best friend.  

But I have never known this, because I never knew you.

I never knew something like this could exist, something so real and honest and raw.  Something so beautiful and vulnerable and intense.  Something so special and so connected and so incredibly breathtaking. 

I have never known this level of joy, of hope, of contentment, of love -- because I never knew you.

But now, I do.  I know you, and I know us, and because of the way you love me and have allowed me to fall so deeply in love with you, I will never be the same.

…

As 2019 came to a close, on a muggy December day, I sat on a bench wet with rain by the water in Mt. Pleasant.  I was pondering a move.  My spirit felt anxious, my heart - restless.  I dropped my head into my lap, onto my knees…. And I prayed.  I cried and I prayed and I hoped and I listened.  And I heard Him.  I felt Him --

WAIT.  Keep hoping.  Trust me.  WAIT.  I have never had such a deep, spiritual moment in my life.  But I knew with all of my heart that He was telling me that I was walking toward something… and I didn’t know what yet, but I would soon.

So on December 31, 2019, I walked into a tattoo shop knowing that I wanted the word “hope” forever inked onto my foot.  To close out a decade that had challenged me in all ways, to remind me to always, always, always walk with hope.

And what I didn’t realize at that time, what He did know - is that I was putting the word hope onto a foot that was walking toward you.

The entire time, I was walking toward you.

Adam - it was always you.

With all of my soul, I believe that every breath I’ve taken throughout my entire life has been leading me to us… leading me to you… leading me to Addison, to Asher, to Grey, and to Andy.

We both know we wouldn’t change a thing about our pasts -- there was so much beauty sprinkled into the hard times, so much we needed to go through to get ready for each other.  And, if we didn’t allow ourselves to feel intense brokenness, unbearable pain, and moments of hopelessness -- we wouldn’t be able to feel what we feel now.

And for me?  What I feel now is beauty from ashes.  It is joy within the deepest etches of my soul. And it is the most overwhelming happiness in my chest, in my heart… the most beautiful twinkle of excitement when my eyes first open each morning and I remember that I am loved by you.

You, Adam Hezlep, are the greatest man I’ve ever known.  The way you’ve battled through valleys you never thought you’d find yourself in, the way you love and parent your amazing kids, how hard you work, how much you adore your family, how spiritual you are, how you live so positively, how you put others before yourself, always… you live and love in a way that gives everyone around you permission to be just exactly who they are.

If only you could see yourself through my eyes… I cannot believe you choose me.  But I will never, ever take that for granted.

You are the perfect person for me.  You are my very best friend.  You are where I want to be when I am happy, sad, excited, upset, silly, scared, and anxious.

You are both my safe place and my greatest adventure.

You are not my better half, and I am not yours.  And that is because we are not halves.  We worked and battled and fought through our brokenness to become whole again -- so we came to each other, whole again.  Cracked, but whole.  And I love the places where you were once broken - because I can see the yellow light shining through all of those once-cracked parts.

We are so incredibly connected, the deepest parts of who we are so perfectly intertwined while also leaving enough space for who we are as separate souls to learn and grow.  And in the safety of your love, in the way your love gives me courage -- you enable me to live my life in a completely different way than I ever have before… 

You, Adam Hezlep, make every single part of my life better and more beautiful.  And I am still in awe that I get to live life, with you, forever.  I am so freaking excited that we just picked up our pen, just started writing… that our story is just beginning.  This is OUR story, and there will always and forever be so much of it that is just ours, that we will always hold sacred.  And I can’t wait to see how our life, together, with our seven children, unfolds.  

WE are the luckiest.

Thank you for wrapping your arms and your heart around a girl who was always walking toward you, with hope.  I cannot wait to be your wife.  And as Toni Morrison said, we didn’t fall in love… we rose in it.  And I know without an ounce of doubt that we are going to keep walking with hope, keep rising in love, together.

i love you, boy.  i love you, i love you, i love you.

~Jess

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