Dear August 2018 Jessie

Dear August 2018 Jessie,

I am writing to let you know that you can do this.

You will do this.

I know you are scared - so scared... scared to go back into the classroom, to have your "own" students, to be responsible for making sure a room full of third graders learn and grow not only academically - but mentally, socially, emotionally...

I know you are terrified about how in the world you will balance work life and mama life and personal life.

I know you are so stressed, so anxious, so overwhelmed.

But you will do this.

You will find your way, back into your teacher self, with each passing day.

You will recapture the magic in your heart, rediscover the passion you have for the classroom, a passion you have put aside to focus on being a wife and on being a mother.

You will be a student yourself this year - learning from and being inspired by the absolute best colleagues and administrators, and the most perfectly-matched work wife.

You will do this.

You will cry.... oh how you will cry.  Because you will feel inadequate, because you will be exhausted (the most exhausted you've been in your entire life!), because you will be stressed, because you will be scared.

But those tears will allow those negative emotions to escape from your body so that you can get through each day, bonding with students in a way that exceeds all of your expectations.

You will work your butt off.  Before your own kids wake up, after they go to bed, in every nook and cranny of each day.  Though it will take some time to find a constantly seesawing balance, I promise that you will learn how to be intentionally present with your students and also with your own children.

Because - and hear me say this - God has intentionally given all of them to you... and given you to all of them. <3

You will fall asleep before 8:30pm most nights, and you will train your body to wake before the sun with your 4:47am alarm.

You will do this.

You will somehow cross your t's and dot your i's and produce a classroom full of students who will make incredible progress... a classroom full of students who will challenge you in the most important ways... a classroom full of students who will allow you to discover parts of yourself you didn't realize existed.

You will bond with one student in particular, a student who perhaps you need even more than he/she needs you.  A student who will become your why, forever engraving himself/herself into your teacher heart. <3

I will not say to ignore the fear, ignore the stress, ignore the worry... because you have every right to feel that way.

This school year is going to be hard.  So very hard.

But it is going to be worth it.

I promise.

You will do this.

And you will get to May.  You will get to the end of the school year, and all of those tears you cried at the beginning of the year will be back.

But this time?

This time those tears are tears of pride in yourself, tears of joy in rediscovering why God put you on this earth, and mostly... mostly those tears are you trying to let go of the grip your students have gotten on your heart as you bid them goodbye and wish them well as they transition to middle school to learn how to fly.

In May, I want you to look at yourself in the mirror, and say - I did it.

And then give yourself permission to rest, permission to recharge, permission to take some pressure off of your life.  Give yourself permission to focus on your family and permission to pour yourself into the most important relationships in your life.

Give yourself permission to take care of you.

Because before you know it, it'll be August... and it'll be time to walk back into your classroom, and do it all over again. <3

xoxo,
Me

Happy Mother's Day, to my Mama

To my mama,

There was a dark time in my life where I literally could not get out of bed.  Brooks was only a couple months old, and I specifically remember lying in a dark room in the Luton house, Linds taking care of my kids so that I could hide from the world.

She'd bring Brooks in so that I could nurse him, and then take him away so that I could go back to hiding.

Back to crying, back to being sick to my stomach, back to weaving through my disbelief and heartbreak, back to worrying and feeling the most scared I have ever felt in my entire life.

I also specifically remember the moment I pulled the covers off and put one foot on the floor, and then the other.

In that moment, I took a step forward, out of that dark room, toward the sunshine... and all I could think about was you.

Little do you know that you, mama, are the reason I was able to find the courage to navigate my storm.  The courage to let myself actually feel the pain and see the darkness, so that I could find my way to the light.

Because of you, I am me.  

A mama to the three most incredible children...

 Three children who now give me the courage to keep living in yellow...

...a courage I keep in my heart, always, because of you.

Thank you for living a life of meaning, a life of beauty, a life of pain, a life of healing, a life of hope, a life of laughter.

Thank you for standing by my side, always.  For speaking truth, even when it hurt.  For being my best friend.  

For being the kind of mama I try everyday to be for my own kids.

Thank you for running with the wolves, and for making me believe that I can, too.

Happy Mother's Day to the woman who both gave and saved my life.

To the moon,

- your Jesseeca

Sweet and Sour 4.5

You are sweet and sour.

You are a gentle soul and a wild spirit.

And today, you are four-and-a-HALF. I am such a sucker for you, Everette.  Always have been, always will be.

And buddy, you are a tough cookie.  You can be defiant and challenging and irrational and emotional and rough and you are seemingly always toeing the line of trouble.

BUT. You are so very lovable and have one of the kindest hearts, one of the most genuine souls I have ever known.  There is a light in your eyes that inspires me every single day to never lose hope.  I saw it the minute the doctor put you on my chest after you were born.

Being your mom stretches me and challenges me in ways I need, and I am a better person because of it.  Because of you.

Everette, being your mom makes me so, so happy. You are affectionate, so snuggly, and you are by far the very best hugger in our family. 

You love nerf guns and wrestling, Power Rangers and superheroes.  

And you always wake up super grumpy, refusing to start your day until I snuggle you.

You've become a picky eater, but just like your mama, you've got a sweet tooth like no other.

You've found your niche with tball, and I think you actually may have some natural talent out there on the baseball field.

You are all boy and so very energetic and like to jump off of anything and everything.  You adore your sister and yes, Brooks, too.... though mostly you just want to wrestle and tackle him all day, everyday.

You have fallen in love with our Laney, and don't tell Cameron - but I think you may be her favorite. <3

Your wild hair matches your wild spirit... God has a sense of humor, that's for sure.

It's hard to believe that you, my buddy, are four-and-a-HALF.  It seems like just yesterday you were one lone follicle visible on the ultrasound screen during a failed IVF cycle... 

But then... a miracle.  Hope coming to life.  An answered prayer.  A dream come true.

Thank you for making my life an adventure.  Thank you for loving me so good, even when I don't deserve it.  Thank you for teaching me how to be a boy mom.  Thank you for being my perfect little sweet-and-sour Everette.

I love you with all my heart and soul.

~Mama