Thankful...

I've said it over, and over, and over again...

Thanksgiving is my favorite. <3

I was recently asked why this holiday is at the top of my list...

And there are so many reasons.

Obviously --

I.LOVE.FOOD.

And helloooooo to alllllll the glorious, calorie-free, delicious food of Thanksgiving.

[P.S. You can have the cranberry sauce all to yourself.]

But honestly, Thanksgiving is my favorite because it's like we all just pause for a minute before the hustle and bustle of Christmas... before the crossing off of lists and standing in lines and buying presents and wrapping gifts... and we just spend a day with our most favorite people, doing a whole lot of the best kind of nothing.

But it is a whole lot of the best kind of nothing that makes my heart feel SO big.

Talking and laughing and catching up and leaving to-do lists behind and gathering around a table and throwing a football and watching littles giggle together and...

JUST BEING ENOUGH.

...

This Thanksgiving is hitting me hard, perhaps even harder than last year.

Last year I found myself hanging on by a thread.  An emotional mess.  Crying at the drop of a hat.  Going through the motions...

This year?

I am still hanging on by a thread.
...but for different reasons.  
I am hanging on by a thread because being a full-time classroom teacher + single mama of three tiny littles + financially strapped + daughter + sister + friend + aunt + etc. etc. etc. means life truly is kicking my butt...

I am still an emotional mess.
...but for different reasons.  
I am an emotional mess because I have come so far in the past year, and damnit I am proud of myself.  It's taken a ton of work - so much work - and still takes work... mentally, emotionally, physically... but I am emotional because I am so humbled by the ways God has provided, ways I didn't even believe existed until I braved and survived the past year.

I am still crying.
...but for different reasons.   
I am crying because I can't believe I'm here... a year later - full of joy and happiness and strength, and also full of a hope I didn't know I'd ever feel again... <3

But-- I am not simply going through the motions anymore.
Rather, I find myself feeling each motion, each emotion, finding intentionality in the big and in the small, in the extravagant and in the mundane...

...

My trio and I have been documenting all of the things we're thankful for this year, and their answers have been precious--

Ellie
Mommy & Daddy & family
Hannah and Bennett and other friends from school
Bubble Gum, especially Hubba Bubba
Moxie
Tall Socks
Headbands
Grapes

 As for me?

I'm thankful for every nook and cranny of my life, thankful for who I've always been, of who I am still becoming...

Thankful for the hard times, because the valleys eventually lead to peaks...

And I am thankful for...

My yellow front door.

I am thankful for my incredible children, our health, my amazing family... I am thankful for my inspiring students, dry shampoo, happy hour, coffee and Friday donuts...

And I am thankful for HOPE.

My most favorite word.

I am thankful for HOPE rooted in a heart that is still fearful, still figuring itself out and what it wants/needs/desires... but nonetheless, I am thankful for a hopeful heart that reminds me that I am in charge of taking my past, accepting and owning my story, and beginning to open myself up to a brand new, happy, courageous, vulnerable and joyful ending...

 So happy, happy, happy heartwarming, hope-filled, belly-stuffed Thanksgiving to you and to all of yours... <3

To My Sweet-and-Salty FOUR-Year-Old

We were driving home from preschool, on a day during which you'd had to (once again) visit the director because of your behavior.

"Mommy, you see those pretty flowers right there?  On the side of the road?  If we were walking down the street and we were closer to your house, I would pick some for you and give them to you."

<3

To my sweet-and-salty FOUR-year-old,

You, Everette, are a daily reminder of balance.

One minute I am holding my breath and counting to ten over and over and over again to remain patient and calm because of your shenanigans...

And then the next, I am wrapped around those sweet, precious fingers and could just melt into a puddle because I love you so much it is physically paralyzing.

I remember the day you were born like it was yesterday.  I remember the intense love and relief and hope I felt deep down in my bones, deep down in the holes of a heart that had ached with loss and infertility for so long...

Your first breaths of life filled the broken places of my heart, and you immediately became a little boy whose presence was a daily reminder to never lose hope.

I still remember when you were in my belly and we called you Rocky.  There were several times we weren't sure you'd be here... and then you were, but not without a delivery room that went eerily silent when everyone saw your umbilical cord tied off in a complete knot.  It was like the symbolic reminder that you had defeated the odds.  We weren't sure how you were here, beautiful (AND BIG!) and squishy and perfect.

You are a challenge and a joy, a sweet spot and a rough edge, a boundless amount of energy and a snuggle spot on the couch.

You love the Hulk and Power Rangers and Star Wars and our treat drawer and bringing me flowers and telling me I'm pretty. <3

You climb onto and jump off of any and everything you can.  In fact, I'm not sure you've ever gotten to the bottom stair of a staircase, because you typically jump from the middle step all the way down to the floor.

You inherited your mama's sweet tooth, and will pretty much do anything to get a treat.  You love food in general, but take forever to eat.  Which is why your sister has nicknamed you FOREVER-ette.

You love singing and you love listening to the radio, and you always want to know what the song is called and who is singing and is that a boy or a girl and do they have short hair or long.

You make me a better person.  You teach me that sometimes, it's okay to break the rules (a little!), to be silly instead of serious, to jump from the top, to love the life we've been given.

I think you know I'm wrapped around your sweet little four-year-old finger. 
You are a rule-breaker and a heart-stealer.  You will simultaneously bring me joy and embarrassment.  You toe the line of danger with each passing moment, and remind me to let go and let live.  You are smart, and you are brave, and you are independent... but you still need your mama to scratch your back and love all over you in order to wake up and start your day.

You've gotten your head stuck in a cannon at a national monument, you've opened the car door with your foot while I was driving down the highway, and you've gotten in trouble at school more in the past year than I ever did in my entire life...

You have a dimple that makes my heart skip, you have a soul that is deep and kind and sensitive, and you make me feel a depth of love I didn't know existed until I became your mama.  I can't really explain it... but there's a different kind of bond between you and me.  Like our souls are connected in the stars.  And I know without a shadow of a doubt that long before either of us stepped into this side of life, God knew you'd be my son.  And for that, I am eternally grateful.

Happy Happy FOURTH Birthday, Everette Lawrence.  Thank you for being just exactly who you are, and for loving me, and for letting me learn how to be the best mama I can possibly be for you in this beautiful life we get to live together.

I love with all my heart and soul...
~Mommy