Sunday, February 16, 2014


It is all-consuming -- mentally, physically, emotionally.  It is worry, it is fear, it is despair, it is guilt, it is hopelessness, it is stress, it is lonely, it is exhausting.

It is navigating a seemingly endless road that is littered with obstacles, mountains impossible to move.

It is waiting, it is patience, it is bad news.  It is doctor appointments, and needles, and dollars, and discomfort, and tears, and disappointment.


It is finding enough courage to be brave, finding enough willingness to try, finding enough strength to hold on, finding enough faithfulness to trust.

It is being unconditionally and undeservingly supported by your family.

It is realizing just how in love you are with your husband.


People assume that when you're going through IVF, you just take a bunch of fertility drugs, put your eggs in a petri dish, and end up with twins.

If only it were that easy.

For us, well...

                       Our IVF cycle got cancelled.

Even with the highest possible dose of injections, my body wouldn't respond.

A year ago, I never would have imagined we'd be doing IVF and now, it won't even work.

It goes without saying that we are devastated, and starting to feel pretty hopeless.  And we're tired - so tired.  I'm exhausted mentally, as every thought of everyday revolves around this struggle.  I'm exhausted emotionally, as the past year has been such a rollercoaster.  I'm exhausted physically, as I've put more medicines and hormones and supplements into my body than I even knew existed.

What does this mean for us?  We're not sure.  We do know that we want to fight like hell to have the family we've always dreamed of, fight like hell for CK to be a big sister and to know a life with siblings, fight like hell for the babies we've lost.  But we also know that we can only handle so much... and there's going to come a time, apparently sooner than we'd like, that we have to - give up.  Stop trying.

Let go.

We're not sure where we're going to go from here, but for now, we will do our best to remain as hopeful, and faithful, and prayerful as we possibly can... which, to be honest, is a tricky thing when the clouds just won't seem to clear for the sunshine.


"We fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen.  For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."  (2 Corinthians 4:18)

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." (Romans 15:13)

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."  (James 1:2-4)


  1. You are in our hearts, thoughts and prayers.

  2. Always praying for you, Jessie. Just from my one miscarriage, I know how all-consuming thoughts about building a family and getting pregnant can be, and I admire your strength, perseverance and determination. You will get through this, and you will be a better mother for it, when you reach the other side. XOXOXO

  3. This makes my heart hurt so bad. I can't begin to imagine the sadness and pain, praying for your beautiful family. Y'all deserve the best and I pray that happens one day.