She began-- with hope.

A little over a year and a half ago, this journal was left in my mailbox by a dear friend who knew my heart and my world had just been shattered...

And today, I filled up the very last line.

I have carried these pages around with me almost daily for nearly five hundred and fifty days.  The binding is coming off, the journal is falling apart...

It is a book in which I spent countless hours and pen strokes trying to learn how to live life in the face of unspoken pain, diving deep into the spaces of my soul, planting seeds of new beginnings, new dreams, new tomorrows.

There are bible verses and quotes and inspirational messages and reflections and questions and even tear stains. My writing is full of all of the feelings... but in looking back through each page-- I can see and I can feel the hope I held on to so tightly in the midst of it all.

Because what is life without hope? Hope for yourself, hope for something, hope for someone.

The other day at school CK had to make a list of all the words she knows how to spell and write by herself. 

The word HOPE was at the very top of her list. <3

...

Over the past almost two years I have had to find the strength and courage to keep putting one foot in front of the other, which sometimes felt excruciating.  But I felt then and still feel now that while I may not know where I am going, where exactly God is leading me— that I can always keep the hope in my heart that I am walking TOWARD something...  

Not away.  But toward.

My work is not finished, and I know it never will be. I’m not sure you ever fully recover from being completely broken?  But as someone once reminded me, inbetween the broken places are spaces where the light can shine in.

I am scarred, so deeply scarred... but I have worked hard to heal and I feel alive and happy and full of faith. I believe in love and I believe in hope and I truly believe that God can make beauty come out of some of the darkest times, if I just let myself begin.  If I just keep taking steps forward, steps toward something, and never let my hope run out...

"Jesus replied, 'You don’t understand what I am doing, but someday you will.'"

John 13:7

"Nothing can dim the light that shines from within."

Maya Angelou

"He has never let you down, never looked the other way when you were being kicked around. He has never wandered off to do his own thing; he has been right there, listening."

Psalm 22:24 msg

"You are going to be happy," said life. "But first I’ll make you strong."

"God is within her, she will not fall."

Psalm 46:5

"Not being afraid of even being afraid-- may be the bravest way of all."