I used to squeeze in blog posts during CK's naps. Now, though, when she's napping you can find me unpacking a box, trying to rearrange a room for the fourteenth time, or scouring the internet for home decor. And when that kid is awake, she runs on 60mph nonstop, which accounts for little to no downtime around these parts.
However, while I feel like I'm running on empty by the end of the day, life has definitely slowed down a bit since our big move to GA. We live in a much smaller town with the aforementioned blank social calendar.
Though I'm hoping to fill up that social calendar eventually. It's funny, starting your life over in a new place where no one knows you... I'll see a young mom in a toddler gymnastics or Kindermusik class and I wonder if we'll end up as lifelong friends? And I know the people I see here already have a life set up and are busy, and I worry that no one will have room for me. It's like, I want to run up to said young mom and say, "Hi-my-name-is-Jessie-and-I-promise-I-can-be-fun-and-a-good-friend-and-I'm-outgoing-and-I'll-laugh-at-your-jokes-and-I-love-to-run-and-watch-bad-reality-tv-and-drink-lots-of-wine-and-eat-cupcakes-and-go-to-church-on-Sundays... Wanna be my friend?"
But, it doesn't really work like that, I guess.
As exciting as it's been to start a brand new chapter of our lives, it's scary, ya know? Wondering if anyone here will like me, will want to be my friend, will let me call them when I'm ugly crying and offer to bring me a bottle of red and some cookie dough...
Instead of having an "I'm lonely" pity party, I dove headfirst into immediately signing CK up for the previously mentioned toddler gymnastics and Kindermusik classes this week. We also attended story time at the local library, hit up a cupcake shop (of course), and took a few trips to the neighborhood playground. And while no one has given me the other half of their best friends necklace yet, I'm hoping that if I keep putting myself out there, I'll find my place in this new town.
In the meantime, CK and I will keep on keeping on. If you follow me on Instagram (jmpeele) you've seen some snapshots of our adventures thus far. It goes without saying that I am absolutely loving all of this extra one-on-time time with my girl. Y'all, she's so awesome. And so incredibly smart. It's like I'm seeing her - really seeing her - for the first time in awhile. The noise of the world is locked away in a closet somewhere (along with boxes I'm neglecting to unpack), and I get to drink in all motherhood has to offer. Which, don't get me wrong, still includes lots of timeouts, lots of deep breaths, lots of nap strikes, and lots of adult beverages being consumed at 4:59pm. But with all that being said, this stay-at-home-mom gig is a dream. And though my hub has told me I don't have to go back to work if I don't want to, our impending medical bills make me feel like I need to contribute financially.
Yep - the medical bills from both the past and the future haunt me in my dreams. We have finally made a very important decision to fight for this family - our family - and do whatever it takes to try to give CK a sibling. And while the decision has left me with a few sleepless nights and a lot of overwhelming emotions, I know that if we don't fight this fight, I will look back with regret.
For now, though, I am content to be my little girl's mama. And as we played yesterday in a big open field, the sun was setting through the trees. And it hit me that if this is it - if it's just gonna be me, T, and CK - it'll all be okay. It doesn't change the ache in my bones for the babies we've lost, or the pull in my heart to make my sweet girl a big sister - but I feel so lucky to live the life that I do, and now that I have all this time to focus on the quiet... I'm okay. Or I will be okay, we'll all be okay, if we only get to be a party of three.
While we make our way toward being okay, I'm gonna enjoy this clean slate, this fresh start... waking up each morning wondering what adventures the day will bring, if I'll meet someone who will change my life.
We've done this for awhile now, but every morning CK and I open all the blinds in the house and exclaim, "Hello to the new day!" This morning in a drowsy, sinus-infected state, I forgot this little ritual. It wasn't long before my little three-foot sidekick promptly reminded me, "Mama! You didn't say hello to the new day!" And so we did. We opened the blinds and saw the sun and welcomed the new day and our new town and this new life with open arms.