a letter to my children

Cameron Kate, Everette, and Brooks ~

I remember the moments each of you took your very first breaths.  The memories etched into my heart with permanency, the images so vivid I can hear and see and smell and taste it all.  Each one so perfect in its difference -- one marked by the beginning of a new love, one outlined by the reminder to never lose hope, one cradled in an embrace of peace.

But also, all the same.

Because in each of those moments I felt the release of you leaving my body while simultaneously feeling my heart wrap around every single ounce of your being.  I felt a part of myself both separate and become a new kind of whole.  I looked in your faces and knew that, for the rest of my life, I would do everything in my power to show you what true happiness is made of, to hold your hand when you needed me, to let go when you were ready to fly, to try with all my might to make you proud to be mine.

With each of your births, a new me was born.  A new part of my heart started beating.  The immediate love I had for you was so beautifully painful.

It was always the most humbling thought that I, I had been entrusted by God with your lives.

And I promise -- I promise -- I have never, ever taken it for granted.

...

Cameron, the other day you pointed to a shelf in the den that was lined with several books.

"What books are those, Mama?  What are they called?"

"Cupcakes and Running Shoes."

A silly giggle erupted from your missing-tooth grin.

"Cupcakes and running shoes?! What in the world?!!!"

I then explained to you how much I love to write, and that every year I take all of the things I've written and turn them into a book, so that one day you and your brothers can read my words - all the way back to the time you were in my belly - and get a tiny glimpse into my head and into my heart.

You see, my three tiny people, I want you to know me.  Whether I die tomorrow, or when I'm 40, or 73, or possibly live forever like your G Gram (who is still kicking life's butt at 94) -- I want you to know what life looked like through my eyes, felt like in my <running> shoes.  I want you to know how my heart beats for you and how we got through so many little and big adventures together... not completely unscathed, but we made it.

I can promise you that I will always, always, always be here for you and I will always, always, always be open and honest with you.

I will protect you and love you fiercely and forgive you and stand by your side, always.

And, just as since the day you took your first breaths, every thing I do, every decision I make, every road I take... it will all be with the three of you as my guiding lights, always.

I am so proud of you guys.  And I think one day you'll be proud of me, too.

Life can be hard and beautiful and painful and joyful and exhausting and energetic, all in the exact same moment.  Lately, I have simultaneously felt scared and brave and hopeful and questioning and happy and heartbroken, all in the exact same moment.

I am working with everything I have to help us find our new normal -- to answer questions both protectively and honestly, to teach you how to have courage but also teach you that it is absolutely, 100% okay to just lie down and let the emotion pour out of your body in big, loud tears.

You three -- you three are amazing.  You know that?  You are resilient and you are my happiness.  You are so incredibly brave and so incredibly kind.  All three of you love big and hard, and feel big and hard - just like me.  And while that may put you at risk to one day feel a pain that actually squeezes the air out of your lungs - living life with a heart that can love big and hard is worth every risk, every jump, every tear.

Without loving big and hard, I wouldn't have you, and I wouldn't be here today - and where I am today is a place I am proud to be.

We're going to be okay...

We are okay.

...

Tonight the witching hour got us all.  After the best weekend, and after a pretty awesome Monday, we all kind of fell apart.  I got you guys to bed and walked downstairs and sat on the dirty kitchen floor with the remnants of dinner covering pretty much every visible surface.... and I gave myself permission to feel, to hurt, to cry, to be overwhelmed and scared and stressed and disappointed and frustrated and tired.

But you know what I did next?

I got up.

And I walked into your rooms and saw your faces - eyes closed, lost away in dreams of soccer balls and superheroes and lollipops... 

...and I saw it.

Love, hope, peace.

And it hit me hard, that tomorrow will be exactly 365 days.

...

Cameron, Everette, and Brooks -- being your mom always has been and always will be my greatest joy.  One day, I hope with all of my heart that when you can read and learn and know and understand me, my heart, and our beautiful, brutal story - you will be proud of who I am, of every step I've taken, of the promises I've kept, of the hope I've clung onto, of my faith, of my perseverance, of my transparency, of my grace, of the relationship I've built with Jesus through it all...

One day, you'll know how there were many, many, many mornings where the thought of having to pull the covers back, get out of bed, and put one foot in front of the other made me physically sick.

But ... 

Then there was you.

You were the three reasons I found the strength to keep breathing... 

The strength to look up and see the sun rise for the past 365 days.

And how can I not be hopeful about each day's sunrise, when I get to be yours...

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

~Mama

"Every morning the sun rises and you get to rise? That's God saying He believes in you, He believes in the story He's writing through you." Ann Voskamp

finally... FINALLY! Catching Up!!

A couple weeks ago I started a Five on Friday post.

And then... well, LIFE.

And then I started it again, a week later.

And then.... LIFE, again.

Every time I seem to start to somewhat juggle ALL OF THE THINGS, I forget something, or am late to do something, or break something (see: ran into the garage with my car AND my washing machine basically gave up on me)...

Or, I drop ALL OF THE THINGS simultaneously and don't know whether to laugh or cry or pray or pour a drink or take a long winter's nap or escape to an island in the middle of nowhere.

So, here I am, yet again... in an attempt to document what is going on in our small little corner of a loud and chaotic and busy and exhausting but oh-so-beautiful universe...

*All of Everette's wishes came true and he finally finally FINALLY started gym-astics:

*And not to be left out of activities, CK got back into the groove with her personal fave:  soccer.

*And speaking of that girl... SHE LOST HER FIRST TOOTH!  See also:  her mama (kind of accidentally) pulled it out.  One night she basically decided she was ready to lose it, and -- Ikidyounot -- she wiggled it nonstop for 48 hours straight.  Until it was hanging on by a thread.  I was wiggling it while at school, and the bad boy popped right off of her gum.  We both laughed and cried and omigoodness it's crazy to hold a tiny tooth that you so vividly remember making its grand entrance through a slobbery baby gum.  The tooth fairy had a successful visit (and why didn't anyone tell me how nerve-wracking it is to play tooth fairy?!)... my stealth nighttime ninja moves brought a silver dollar, a sparkly, tooth-fairy-dusted $5 bill, and a huge, missing-tooth smile that makes my heart melt every single day.

*Can we please talk about how I got diagnosed with pneumonia a couple weeks ago?  And how it completely kicked my butt?  And how it caused me to spend way too much time horizontal, which led to me getting sucked into a Call the Midwife and Stranger Things Netflix hole?!

*I taught Brooks to safely go up and down the stairs.  Which means no more baby gates.  Which means the angels sang HALLELUJAH.

*Oh Moxie girl... we're all so glad you're finally spayed and declawed (and yes, I know you cat-lovers find that to be controversial, but girl needed her front claws to be OUTTA HERE before she drove us all crazy) -- but y'all, she is currently pitiful!!

*I recently decided that I love coffee mugs.  YES I'M OLD.  But as a working-full-time, single-mama-of-three-littles = there's no such thing as too much coffee.  Usually I've had two cups by 7:15am.  SO.  I hope to slowly work to trade all of my plain white coffee mugs with others that I pick up here and there.  Because there's just something about drinking a hot cup of coffee out of a mug that makes you smile...

*Brooks had his first rat tail hair cut!  I went to get Everette's mop shaped up (Omigosh his COW LICK.  Bless...)

...and my hairdresser basically took one look at my sweet blonde-headed-baby and decided we may as well chop his little mullet-in-the-making.  So I'm now the proud owner of an envelope that holds a tiny blonde rat tail.

*In an eye-rolling turn of events, I joined a gym.  In January.  With all of the other I WILL WORK OUT THIS YEAR crazies.  Now, y'all know I need to run like I need to breathe.  But several weeks ago I started getting the itch to do something different for my physical, mental, and emotional health.  And for some reason, it seemed like joining a gym may be a good change of scenery?  You see, before my kids I used to go to a gym all the time.  Once they came along, I gave up working out like I preferred and instead would just run with the stroller (so that I wasn't technically "away" from them - silly, I know).  And every now and then, I'd go for a quick run by myself.  But since I had them, I never really got back into investing in self-care the way I deserved.  Enter:  gym membership via an early birthday gift.  And y'all, I forgot how much I love a gym!  I will still be running because it definitely feeds my soul, but gosh the weight machines and the fitness classes and the pushing myself as far as I possibly can just feels so, so good.  So, yay me.  <pats self on the back>

*I was recently gifted an Echo Dot, and I am obsessed with all things Alexa.  My favorite feature?  A voice-activated time-out timer, because OMIGOSH three-year-old Everette is giving me a run for my money and Brooks, at the ripe age of sixteen months, has officially been introduced to the time-out corner.

*You know what true friendship is?  Someone who makes sure you constantly know how much you are loved, how important you are, what you deserve...  Someone who knows all of your truths, who sees you at your darkest moments, and who makes sure you know she will support your life no matter what hard decisions you have to make.  Someone who, over and over and over again, drops everything, puts her own life on hold, and travels across multiple states to make sure certain dates and memories don't haunt you, to make sure you remember how strong you are, to hold your hand and help you get through what would've been some tough days, some hard-to-swallow memories and realizations.

So, we basically talked from the moment she arrived until the moment she had to leave to drive all the way back to NC.  We ate and drank and laughed and went to this awesome children's museum in Birmingham and our friendship is just a constant ellipsis because it will never be over, will never be complete -- it always does and always will just keep on going... <3

*I love about one good snow day and then I'm basically over it.  Combine multiple snow days with temperatures below zero and being stuck at home with an under-the-weather six-year-old, threenager, and teething toddler and I'm basically like LET ME GO BACK TO WORK FOR A MINUTE.  Because fun in the snow quickly turned into four hundred and fifty seven games of Kerplunk and Candy Land, eating way too many made-from-scratch chocolate chip cookies, watching too many cartoons, creating and playing with slime, and stir-crazy kiddos...

*Hashtag MOLARS.  Jesus take the wheel.

*Another thing that, over the years, I'd forgotten?  How much I absolutely love to read.  Throw in a fire and a glass of Target $5 red wine, and it's even better.  Also?  Everyone on this planet needs to read at least one book by Jenn Hatmaker and one by Ann Voskamp.  Wow, wow, wow.

*Tomorrow, my girl and I are headed to see The Lion King in downtown ATL at The Fox Theatre and I absolutely cannot wait!!

Ok, wrapping this up so I can finally actually finish my first blog post of 2018.  Happy weekend!!

2017

Twenty-seventeen.

The hardest, most exhausting, most challenging, most soul-searching, most honest, most excruciating, scariest, most shocking, busiest, most faith-filled, longest, quickest, most painful, most tear-filled, loneliest, strongest year of my entire life.  

Honestly?  

The worst year of my entire life.  

Which is hard to admit, because I have three incredible children who brought me so much joy and happiness and determination and courage throughout the year.

But, it was.

2017 was the worst year of my life.

It was filled with fear and it was filled with courage.  It was filled with doubt and it was filled with faith.  It was filled with despair and it was filled with hope...

"Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come."  Anne Lamott

"Hope is that thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without the words and never stops... at all."  Emily Dickinson

"Some see a hopeless end, while others see an endless hope..."
...

I wrestled with whether or not to write my usual HIGHLIGHTS OF THE YEAR post, yet here I am.

I scoured through pictures, so many pictures - some joyful, some painful - to find one(ish) to represent each month of 2017.  And while I have to admit that I am so incredibly happy to say SEE YA LATER to this year, I do want to take a quick minute to reflect on each month and what it gave me...

JANUARY:  

We know I like to keep it real.  And... January was sh*tty.  So, this is the perfect picture to sum up a crappy month, which kicked off a crappy year.

FEBRUARY:

One of my favorite pictures of these three, and this picture is perfect for the month of L-O-V-E, because they made me step out in love throughout this entire month.

MARCH:

My three little people in one of my most favorite spots and LOOK AT GOD shining down on us. <3

APRIL:

This was the picture for April, because we took a much-needed trip out of town for spring break, and saw my family, and introduced Brooks to the beach, and this picture just sums up the three of them so very, very much.

 MAY:

Oh, this woman.  She has been my guiding light throughout this year, and the kids and I found refuge and joy and hope and strength inside of my parents' home and within her presence.  I hope I can be half the woman she is when I grow up.

 JUNE:

We jumped into summer like THIS!

 JULY:

So, I break the rules here and I have to include three pictures of my three favorite people in our most favorite place on our most favorite annual trip --

 AUGUST:

A big month for my girl and me... she started KINDERGARTEN, and I went back to a j-o-b that I l-o-v-e.  And the fact that I teach in her school?  Perfection.

SEPTEMBER:

Oh this caboose of mine.  September was a rollercoaster of a month for so many reasons.  I couldn't believe this little boy turned ONE, and I struggled with feeling guilty over the fact that the first year of his life was stamped with so many awful memories.  BUT.  This picture right here -- this is Brooks.  He is happiness.  He is yellow.  God gave me a baby when I was supposed to be infertile, and then God gave that baby the most joyful spirit -- I now know that it was all so very intentional.  I am forever grateful for this little boy, who gave me purpose on days when it was physically painful to pull the covers off of myself and get out of bed...

 OCTOBER:

A candid picture snapped by my most favorite local photographer in the middle of our photoshoot, and a picture that sums up a month in which the four of us were crying and clawing and laughing and praying and working our way toward finding our new normal...

NOVEMBER:

Moxie!  Of course.  I still cannot believe that I, an admittedly cat-disliking person, have a cat (who is currently sleeping halfway across my lap and the keyboard as I type).  I am still not a cat-person, but this little furball was exactly what we needed.

DECEMBER:

Breaking the rules again, because this last (HALLELUJAH!) month of 2017 was a month of unexpected, perfectly-timed snow and a month of holiday highs and lows, in which I both succeeded and failed in fighting to find and choose and focus on joy...

For the rest of my life, whatever path it takes, wherever God leads me, I will look back on this year with so many mixed emotions.  

It was a year of so much pain.

But, it was also a year of growth.  And I made it.

I made it through each day.

I made it through each hour, each minute.  And there was a time when each minute was, honest to God, physically excruciating.

Also?  I made it because of family and friends, both near and far... people who - some anonymously - provided and supported and loved and prayed and just kept showing up.  You know who you are, and you will always be a part of the reason why I survived a year that brought more challenges than I ever could have imagined.  The words 'thank you' are not sufficient, but please know that as I continue to find my balance on two very scared, wobbly, unsettled feet, I will take all of your graciousness and generosity and unconditional love, and I will find a way to pay it forward.
...

Now that 2017 comes to a close, I don't know if I am a better me... but I am certainly a different me.  And that is a me I am proud of... a me that is authentic and transparent and honest and loyal and genuine and real and strong and brave.

I started the year with a new baby, a two-year-old, and a five-year-old -- and these three incredible children will never, ever know just how much they allowed me to find joy throughout a year that, at times, felt hopeless and impossible.  My three tiny humans grew into a one-year-old, a three-year-old, and a six-year-old -- and they changed and matured and learned so much... yet in their growth, they taught me...

They taught me more than they will ever know.

One day, I will be able to explain it all to them, I will be able to help them understand...

But for now, I thank God that he gave me them while they are here, on earth, and I promise to do everything I can to ease their pain, to expand their joy, to heal their hurts, to mend their brokenness, and to open their hearts to understand that trials can bring growth, trials can bring determination, and trials can bring a strength you never knew you had...

"Life is amazing.  And then it's awful.  And then it's amazing again.  And in between the amazing and the awful, it's ordinary and mundane and routine.  Breathe in the amazing, hold on through the awful, and relax and exhale during the ordinary.  That's just living, heart-breaking, soul-healing, amazing, awful, ordinary life.  And it's breathtakingly beautiful."  L.R. Knost

2018... I'm ready.  I'm ready to continue holding on and enduring through the awful, and I know I am strong enough to do so.  I'm happy to appreciate and exhale during the ordinary, because I know just how beautiful the ordinary can be.  

And mostly?  I cannot wait to breathe in the amazing, because I have a feeling the word amazing is about to take on a whole new meaning... <3