Our Summer in Pictures

Because words just don't do it justice.

Double Digits!

Dear Cameron Kate,

Well, my dear, you’ve officially hit double digits – hellloooo 10 months!  I have to say that the past two months have been the absolute best, though with every new age and milestone your dad and I find ourselves saying, “This is my favorite!”  But these past two months have been even more special because we’ve spent pretty much every waking minute together.

You continue to bring so much sunshine into our lives.  Just last night your dad said, “Have you ever had more fun in your entire life?”  The joy that fills up our hearts is incomprehensible.  You are such a silly, wild, fun-loving little girl and we are already so proud to be your parents.

You’re still struggling in the hair department.  I had hopes of being able to clip in a hairbow AT LEAST by your first birthday, though it’s not looking like that’ll happen.  J  You have four teeth now – two top, and two bottom, which we brush twice a day.  You continue to get longer and leaner, though you’ve still got some chunky thighs (which I hope don’t go away anytime soon because I LOVE them.)  And your eyes – ohmygoodness, those eyes – they are the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen.  Watch out boys.

You’ve forced us to go into full-on baby-proofing mode.  Two baby gates, the removal of some bookshelves and tables, and the hanging of wall shelves later, I can finally leave you in at least one room in the house long enough to run to the bathroom.

And man are you FAST!  I swear I’ll turn around for five seconds, and when I turn back around you’ve either pulled all of the toilet paper off the roll or taken your baby goldfish out of the pantry and dumped them all over the kitchen floor.  But not only are you fast, you are SNEAKY!  You already LOVE getting into things you’re not supposed to.  And it’s funny because you’re starting to learn the word “no.”  You’ll head toward something un-baby-friendly, and we’ll say, “no touch,” and you’ll stop in your tracks.  But sometimes, just sometimes, you’ll turn and look at us, give us that mischievous grin, and go right back to getting into trouble.  Or if you pick up something you’re not supposed to have, and we walk up to you or say your name, you’ll hold it out to us with a look of innocence, like “Oh here!  I found this for you!”

So far we’ve only had to dig pieces of rug, a piece of a rawhide chewy, and a piece of dog food out of your mouth.

Man oh man are we in trouble.

While we’re on the topic of what you like to snack on, you’ve made so much progress in terms of the foods you’re eating!  We are DONE with baby food, except for the few jars I’m trying desperately to spoon feed you so as not to waste it.  But because you’re so fiercely independent (hmmm, where’d you get that trait?), spoon-feeding you these days is like an epic battle of wills.

You’ll pretty much try anything we put on your tray, though we are starting to see some picky-eating tendencies.  You don’t really care for meat yet.  You LOVE fruit of any kind, sweet potato fries, tomatoes, and baby goldfish.

You’re on a pretty set schedule these days, and even if I try to take a step out of the box and be flexible, you won’t have it.  You wake up around 6:45am, nurse, breakfast around 8:45am, nap around 10:15am, nurse around 11:30am, lunch around 12:45pm, nap around 2:15pm, nurse around 3:30pm, dinner around 5:30pm, bath, nurse, and bed between 7:00pm and 7:30pm.  Your two naps have gotten much better, ranging anywhere from 40 minutes to an hour and a half.  Though every now and then you’ll grace us with a whopping fifteen-minute cat nap, then wake up fully energized and ready to play!

And by play, I mean go non-stop.  And I love it.  You are such a daredevil, loving to be thrown around and flipped upside down.  Just like your daddy.  We recently started our own version of hide-and-seek, which leaves us both giggling uncontrollably. J  You will also start dancing at the first beat of any music.  Let’s just hope you have my rhythm, and not your Dad’s. J  You’re also thisclose to walking!  You will stand by yourself, unassisted, endlessly.  You’ve attempted to take a step here and there, but will quickly fall down to your knees and speed crawl.  The thought of you walking is equally exciting and terrifying!

And though your separation anxiety from your mama is running full-force, you love to sit and play by yourself.  One of my favorite things to do is sit and watch you have conversations with yourself and your toys, babbling on and on about Lord knows what.  It is the cutest thing!

You also LOVE a little stuffed elephant we named “Ellie.”  It’s the first toy you’ve shown a special attachment toward.  And it’s so cute, because I think you’re really starting to feel love, ya know?  The way you hug and squeeze and love on Ellie is like the beginning of you realizing just how good it feels to wrap your heart around something.

Speaking of hugs, your dad and I LOVE them!  Getting a Cameron hug is all we need to turn a bad day right side up.

And oh how you LOVE to go swimming.  You’ve turned into quite the little fish.  You don’t mind being dunked anymore, love to splash in the pool, and “jump” off the side.  We’ve had so much fun taking you swimming this summer!

And I know I’m biased, but you are SO smart already.  You’re starting to point to things, and you especially love to point to the light, Dada, and Bailey.  You’ll pat me on the chest when I ask you, “Where’s Mama?”, and you’ll even pat your own chest when I ask, “Where’s Cameron?”  You’ve also mastered some sign language, making it much easier to communicate.  You know “more,” “milk,” and “all done.”  You always wave “hello” and “bye bye.”  In fact, if we’re out and about, you love waving to every person who walks by, cracking up when they wave back at you.  Such a ham!

You still love to go on runs in the jogging stroller, you LOVE having your wubbanub pacifier in the car seat (the only time you ever want a paci), you get a cold shiver every now and then and it’s absolutely adorable, you love doing this sniffing sound that is oh-so-cute, and sometimes you’ll get in such a silly mood and giggle and blow raspberries all day long.

And bug, your smile can light up a room.

But my absolute favorite thing right now is your new infatuation with books.  You prefer any touch-and-feel books or your colors book.  You will often sit and “read” a book, turning the pages, babbling, and pointing to things and clapping (because I’m always asking you to point to things and then clap when you do it!).  But what really melts my heart is how you’ll now crawl over to me with a book and dive into my lap.  You’ll sit in my lap and we’ll read books over and over and over again.

And I sit there and cherish every single second.  Because one day, Cameron Kate, though you’ll always be my little girl, you’ll probably be too big to sit in my lap.

One day, you’ll have your own little girl sitting in YOUR lap, reading YOU books.  Or at least I hope you do.

You see, that’s my latest wish for you, my dear.  That one day, you’ll have a daughter.

Because that is the only way you could ever know just how much I love you.  It is only in that minute, the minute when she takes her first breath, that you will realize how much my heart beats for you, what it feels like to love so much your insides threaten to bust at the seams.

Happy 10 Months, my sweet girl.

And As If On Cue...

So far, our last week of summer has been only a little of this...

And a whole lot of this...

Gotta love her.

Oh, and a P.S.

Since my hair stopped falling out and finally started growing back in, I have sideburns.

No, really.

Awesome, no?

Random Brain Dump, AKA Things You Probably Could Care Less About

1.  I ate a Rolo McFlurry last night.  With extra Rolos.  Oh, and M&Ms.  It was delicious.  I then promptly ran about 4 miles this morning.

2.  Speaking of M&Ms, I love them, in any variety.  Peanut, almond, milk chocolate, dark chocolate, pretzel, peanut butter… I don’t discriminate.  There’s just something about a handful of M&Ms, especially right after a run (like this morning's run, which was supposed to counteract the McFlurry from last night… oops.).

3.  I just found out that on my first day back at work, I have an all-day training at an elementary school in the district.  Though trying to find a place to pump in an unknown location is never fun, I’m hopeful that being somewhere unfamiliar surrounded by lots of people will be a good distraction from the ache in my heart.

4.  And while we’re on the back-to-work topic, it’s both pitiful and embarrassing how many tears I’ve shed about the upcoming D Day.  I mean, really, I’m so incredibly blessed, so fortunate to live the life that I live, with an awesome hub, perfect daughter, and job that I truly enjoy.  Please know that I do not take these things for granted.  It’s just hard to ignore the knot in my throat, and I think it’s even harder for anyone to understand what it’s like – unless you’ve been a working mama who wants more than anything to be home raising your kids.

5.  Ok, enough about that.  But before I leave this topic, I just have to say that I have an incredible husband.  A man who sought out a part-time job, offering to work both nights and weekends so I can be a stay-at-home mom.  Of course, I will not let him do this.  I will not sacrifice HIS time with CK or OUR time altogether as a family.  But wow – how did I get so lucky?!

6.  This weekend we worked on more baby-proofing and changed some décor around the house.  It’s looking good, though we still have a lot of work to do!  I just wish I was much more skilled in the area of DIY, crafts, decorating, etc.  I always feel like the décor in my house is so inadequate when I go to other people’s houses.

7.  My affair with Shades of Grey has been put on hold due to my Olympics obsession.  I usually read in bed before falling asleep, but lately I’ve been up until almost midnight each night (which is LATE for me!), because NBC has decided to show the good stuff right around 11pm.  And by the good stuff, I mean gymnastics.

8. I could go to Target everyday of the week and never run out of things to buy.

9. This morning at 5am I heard a noise and decided someone was trying to break into our house (probably the diaper-bag stealer).  I woke up my hub.  We both stared out the window, listening for the rustling of leaves I swore I heard.  He decided it was a cat and went back to sleep.  I decided someone had surely tried to break into our house, lying wide-eyed and awake until I got Cameron up at 6:45.

10.  I finally started making use of some of my Pinterest recipe finds, including lots of freezer meals to have on hand when life gets in the way of my gourmet cooking.

11.  I got almost 4 inches cut off of my ratty hair last week, and it feels so short!

12.  Cameron loves black beans and broccoli, but they both give her terrible gas and gas pains!  (Like mother, like daughter.)

13.  On Saturday I spent about 2 ½ hours doing some clothes shopping for myself with all of the other tax-free crazies.  It was the first time in many, many, many months that I set out to shop for me and only me.

14.  We decided to try to switch from Pampers to Target-brand diapers in an effort to pinch pennies.  I'll be interested to see how they hold up!

15.  With Cameron Kate’s 1^st birthday just two months away, I feel like I should start planning.  Probably because my sisters are party-planning-extraordinaires.  But because I know it’ll never compare to their awesome parties, I’m too overwhelmed to even begin the process.

16.  My sister-in-law is a little over three months away from the birth of her second baby boy, and I am getting SO excited!  I can’t wait to meet the little guy!!

17.  One wayward glance into a Target mirror and I’ve decided I’ve reached the age and stage of life where I should no longer go out in public sans makeup.

18.  I already have my heart set on a name for my unborn, un-conceived next baby girl.

19.  I am PUMPED about some college football!

20.  I really wish I could write for a living.  I’m far too unqualified and know it’s one of the hardest fields to break into, but I love, love, love to write.

THE END.

My Heart Hurts

Growing up, I never wanted to be a stay-at-home mom.

I didn’t ever really dream of being home all day, everyday, with my kids.

My mom was a single, working mom to four kids.  Now, she didn’t plan her life to be this way, but it was through her example that I decided I, too, would be a working mom.

In retrospect, my decision to want to be a working mom is absolutely a result of my childhood.  Our tragedy planted the desire within me to never want to depend on a man to provide my only source of income.

Even upon getting pregnant, I knew I’d go back to work after maternity leave and never questioned my decision to be a working mom.

And then she was born.

And I realized I didn’t want to miss a minute of her life.

Unfortunately, staying at home wasn’t an option when my maternity leave days ticked away.  I begrudgingly went back to work, struggling to balance it all while trying to do my job well, make my daughter feel loved (even though I was away from her for nine hours a day), and give my husband all he deserved.

We survived, unscathed, minus a few tearful nights and frozen dinners.

I counted down the days until summer, during which I would get eight weeks off to soak in every inch of my sweet Cameron Kate.

And I have to say, it’s been about as perfect as can be.  I’ve had a small taste of what my life would be like as a stay-at-home mom.

And I would give anything to make it happen.

Except that it can’t.

We’ve crunched the numbers.  I’ve stared at our budget spreadsheets endlessly, trying to wrap my brain around any possible way to live off of my hub’s current income.

And unfortunately, it’s just not in the cards right now.

It is what it is.

And I’d be lying if I said my heart doesn’t break a tiny bit every time I think about August 13^th, when I’ll pack my lunch, take out my pump, park my car in the school parking lot, and set up my digital picture frame on my desk.

I’m trying to find comfort in the fact that I had eight blissful, memorable, perfect weeks with Cameron.  Eight weeks during which she reached some awesome milestones, and I got to see them all.  Eight weeks that filled me up with so much joy I often felt as if my heart would explode.

But it’s hard, ya know?

Because it’s like, now I know what I’m missing while I’m away from her.  Now that she’s growing into this little girl, this – toddler – I want to watch her figure out her world.  I wanna be the one to see it all.  I wanna experience all of her good days and bad days.  I wanna throw myself on the couch at night, exhausted from running around and chasing after her.

But – I can’t.  No way around it.

And it sucks.

So for now, my dreams of being a stay-at-home mom will have to be put on hold.

I’ve gotta put on my working mama brave face and muster up the energy to live a life that my heart is not really in.  I’ve gotta trust that maybe right now I’m meant to not focus solely on shaping the life of my own little girl.  Maybe I’m meant to affect other kids’ lives, kids at my school, who need attention, and love, and support that they aren’t fortunate enough to get at home.

But I’m going to miss her like crazy. L