Giving Thanks in the Darkness

I've always been vocal about the fact that Thanksgiving is my favorite, most favorite holiday ever ever.

In my experience, it houses so much less pressure than other holidays.  It's all about my very favorite things -- family, food, drinks, football... and just doing nothing with the aforementioned factors, which basically means doing everything to me.

This year, however, Thanksgiving carries some darkness for me.  During my divorce, I wanted more than anything to settle with me having every Thanksgiving, because of how much the holiday means to me.  Unfortunately, that isn't how things landed... and this year, for the first time in nine years, I will be away from my kids on Thanksgiving.

I've tried so hard to avoid thinking about it, avoid imagining what it will feel like being away from them on my most favorite day of the entire year; however, now that I type it out, it becomes reality... it becomes real that in just a couple days, I'll kiss their cheeks a million times and snuggle right where their necks meet their shoulders and tell them how thankful I am for them and how much I love them and how much I'll miss them...

...and then they will leave.

I know I have so, so much for which to be thankful.

I have the most incredible family, three amazing kids, my health and theirs, a job I love, good friends, a house and car I own, my faith...

And I truly am thankful my kids have a dad they love, a dad who loves them and is there for them.  And no matter how I feel about the ending of our marriage, I will always be thankful for them that he shows up.  Because I know many single moms who ache for their kids to have the love and support of their dad.

BUT.

Sometimes things are just allowed to be hard.  Ya know?  Sometimes pain is pain, anger is anger, heartache is heartache.  Sometimes the silver lining feels nonexistent, and sometimes you just need to walk through and feel the darkness.

Honestly, three years ago, I never imagined my life would end up where I'd spend every other major holiday away from my kids.  It's not anything I ever would've wanted for us... ever.

So I will grieve this Thanksgiving.  I will feel alone, I will miss them so much it will physically hurt.  I will find peace knowing they are surrounded by others who love them dearly, yet I will wish so badly that they were with me.

I will give thanks, but I will be giving thanks amidst heartache.
...

As is our tradition, my kids and I have been doing our thankful leaves.  Each day, everyone says something they are thankful for, and we display them throughout the month.  

As Thanksgiving day approaches and the darkness spills in, I will continue to try to focus on every little leaf, using their answers (Chase from Paw Patrol, Ellie, the Avengers, God and Jesus, the money Mommy makes for us, Brooks and cookies, soccer, superheroes and peaches, my Flash costume) to bring peace into my chaotic heart, joy into the spaces of my pain.

And while I will do my best to enjoy my most favorite holiday this year, I will look forward to the day after Thanksgiving, knowing that I got through it... and knowing that next year, my three little turkeys will be eating their turkey right beside me - their mama, who is so, so incredibly thankful God chose them to be mine. <3