I've always been vocal about the fact that Thanksgiving is my favorite, most favorite holiday ever ever.
In my experience, it houses so much less pressure than other holidays. It's all about my very favorite things -- family, food, drinks, football... and just doing nothing with the aforementioned factors, which basically means doing everything to me.
This year, however, Thanksgiving carries some darkness for me. During my divorce, I wanted more than anything to settle with me having every Thanksgiving, because of how much the holiday means to me. Unfortunately, that isn't how things landed... and this year, for the first time in nine years, I will be away from my kids on Thanksgiving.
I've tried so hard to avoid thinking about it, avoid imagining what it will feel like being away from them on my most favorite day of the entire year; however, now that I type it out, it becomes reality... it becomes real that in just a couple days, I'll kiss their cheeks a million times and snuggle right where their necks meet their shoulders and tell them how thankful I am for them and how much I love them and how much I'll miss them...
...and then they will leave.
I know I have so, so much for which to be thankful.
I have the most incredible family, three amazing kids, my health and theirs, a job I love, good friends, a house and car I own, my faith...
And I truly am thankful my kids have a dad they love, a dad who loves them and is there for them. And no matter how I feel about the ending of our marriage, I will always be thankful for them that he shows up. Because I know many single moms who ache for their kids to have the love and support of their dad.
BUT.
Sometimes things are just allowed to be hard. Ya know? Sometimes pain is pain, anger is anger, heartache is heartache. Sometimes the silver lining feels nonexistent, and sometimes you just need to walk through and feel the darkness.
Honestly, three years ago, I never imagined my life would end up where I'd spend every other major holiday away from my kids. It's not anything I ever would've wanted for us... ever.
So I will grieve this Thanksgiving. I will feel alone, I will miss them so much it will physically hurt. I will find peace knowing they are surrounded by others who love them dearly, yet I will wish so badly that they were with me.
I will give thanks, but I will be giving thanks amidst heartache.
...
As is our tradition, my kids and I have been doing our thankful leaves. Each day, everyone says something they are thankful for, and we display them throughout the month.
As Thanksgiving day approaches and the darkness spills in, I will continue to try to focus on every little leaf, using their answers (Chase from Paw Patrol, Ellie, the Avengers, God and Jesus, the money Mommy makes for us, Brooks and cookies, soccer, superheroes and peaches, my Flash costume) to bring peace into my chaotic heart, joy into the spaces of my pain.
And while I will do my best to enjoy my most favorite holiday this year, I will look forward to the day after Thanksgiving, knowing that I got through it... and knowing that next year, my three little turkeys will be eating their turkey right beside me - their mama, who is so, so incredibly thankful God chose them to be mine. <3
Oh my Everette...
I'm not sure at what point I realized there was a whole lot of sour mixed into your sweetness. You were an easy baby who loves his sleep, and you made going from one kid to two pretty seamless.
At some point, though, you realized it was too boring being sweet and easy all the time, and also that rules were made to be broken and boundaries were made to be pushed.
And though being your mama means taking about three hundred deep breaths a day, I couldn't love you more if I tried.
I am wrapped around your finger and such a sucker for your nonsense. I will be equally frustrated with you and ridiculously amused by you all in the same nanosecond. One minute, my patience is hanging on by a thread and the next, I'll wrap you up in my arms and breathe in your snuggles.
Whew, son... you truly are sweet and sour and a HANDFUL and today, you are also a WHOLE HAND.
You have boundless energy, the all-boy kind that means you pretty much cannot sit still and cannot be in the same vicinity as your little brother without pouncing on or wrestling him. And speaking of your little brother, you guys are finding your way with your relationship. You are either best buds and partners in crime, OR one of you is winning the wrestling match and injuring the other. I swear, God had a sense of humor when he gave me two wild, Dennis-the-Menace boys so close in age.
Your relationship with your sister is the sweetest. You guys are connected in such a neat way, and when you're not annoyed by her bossing you around, you look up to her so very much and obviously adore her. She is your coach and your biggest fan... and though you don't realize that now, one day, you will. <3
You are never happy when you wake up, still need your morning snuggles and a good long stretch before you're ready to conquer the day. And even then, I pretty much walk on eggshells and hold my breath out of fear that you will turn into a gremlin if someone rubs you the wrong way before you get in a decent mood.
You still love superheroes, and also anything sports-related. You just finished your first coaches' pitch baseball season, and you've decided you're not into baseball right now. It definitely didn't help that you broke the tip of your thumb bone at your last batting practice. :( You are begging to switch to soccer in the spring -- in fact, almost everyday you ask me IS IT SPRING YET MOMMY?! I can't wait to watch you on the soccer field, buddy.
You still take forever to eat, which is why your sister has nicknamed you for-EVERETTE. You love treats and have a sweet tooth like your mama. You just recently realized you love an over-easy fried egg (thanks to your Bammy), and will lick the plate clean of the oozing yoke. All of that said, you've become quite the picky eater lately and I hope it's just a phase because whatever I put in front of you comes with an "I don't like that!" response, driving me cRaZy.
You have a very strong opinion about what you wear, and have organized your closet into "cool" clothes and those that aren't cool. In fact, you are so opinionated about your clothes that one of my first go-to's for punishment these days is that I get to pick out your clothes instead of you!
You started PreK this fall at the "Trojan School," aka the elementary school where I work and where your sister is in second grade. You absolutely love it and are doing so well in class. (Apparently you save all your shenanigans for me!) You love being a Trojan and you love learning and you love your teacher and goodness watching you start "big" school has also meant watching you grow up so, so quickly. I cannot wait to see the world through your eyes as you grow - just the other day you "read" your first book and it.was.magical.
And buddy - even though you can be challenging and defiant and frustrating and button-pushing, being your mama is also so, so magical. You are the baby I never thought I'd have, a baby who became life against all odds... and I've always felt a very special connection to you, since the moment you took your first breath.
You have a heart that feels deeply, a dimple that gets me every time, a monkey hug that sometimes I just crave, and a giggle that sounds just like it did when it first erupted from your belly about four-and-a-half years ago.
Everette... I am so lucky I get to be the one who takes deep breaths because of your antics. I am so lucky that I get to be the one on the receiving end of your morning snuggles and your monkey hugs. I am so lucky that I get to try to style that wild and crazy hair each morning. I am so lucky that I get to learn how to live big, how to be wild and crazy, and how to be compassionate and sensitive because of you.
You, like your hair, are one of a kind. My buddy, my E, my Everette, my miracle, my Rocky, my son.
I love you with all my heart and soul.
Happy HANDFUL to my handful. <3
~Mommy
