She began-- with hope.

A little over a year and a half ago, this journal was left in my mailbox by a dear friend who knew my heart and my world had just been shattered...

And today, I filled up the very last line.

I have carried these pages around with me almost daily for nearly five hundred and fifty days.  The binding is coming off, the journal is falling apart...

It is a book in which I spent countless hours and pen strokes trying to learn how to live life in the face of unspoken pain, diving deep into the spaces of my soul, planting seeds of new beginnings, new dreams, new tomorrows.

There are bible verses and quotes and inspirational messages and reflections and questions and even tear stains. My writing is full of all of the feelings... but in looking back through each page-- I can see and I can feel the hope I held on to so tightly in the midst of it all.

Because what is life without hope? Hope for yourself, hope for something, hope for someone.

The other day at school CK had to make a list of all the words she knows how to spell and write by herself. 

The word HOPE was at the very top of her list. <3

...

Over the past almost two years I have had to find the strength and courage to keep putting one foot in front of the other, which sometimes felt excruciating.  But I felt then and still feel now that while I may not know where I am going, where exactly God is leading me— that I can always keep the hope in my heart that I am walking TOWARD something...  

Not away.  But toward.

My work is not finished, and I know it never will be. I’m not sure you ever fully recover from being completely broken?  But as someone once reminded me, inbetween the broken places are spaces where the light can shine in.

I am scarred, so deeply scarred... but I have worked hard to heal and I feel alive and happy and full of faith. I believe in love and I believe in hope and I truly believe that God can make beauty come out of some of the darkest times, if I just let myself begin.  If I just keep taking steps forward, steps toward something, and never let my hope run out...

"Jesus replied, 'You don’t understand what I am doing, but someday you will.'"

John 13:7

"Nothing can dim the light that shines from within."

Maya Angelou

"He has never let you down, never looked the other way when you were being kicked around. He has never wandered off to do his own thing; he has been right there, listening."

Psalm 22:24 msg

"You are going to be happy," said life. "But first I’ll make you strong."

"God is within her, she will not fall."

Psalm 46:5

"Not being afraid of even being afraid-- may be the bravest way of all." 

Hi. And I am DROWNING.

"It's not going under water that drowns you, it's staying there."

You guys.

I heard this quote recently and gosh it hit my heart... because life was HARD for a good long while and I swam my way above water when a lot of times it felt easier to just stop trying.

But.

But now in an entirely different manner I find myself DROWNING and Lordhavemercy I am trying with all my might to keep my head above water.

See:  I am back at work.

And I am in a different role this year -- I transitioned from being a Reading Intervention Specialist to a 3rd Grade Teacher.  Which brings an entirely new state-of-being in my work life.  Like... my Saturday mornings look like this:

It is SO MUCH MORE WORK and an entirely new level of exhaustion.

I won't get too spiritual on you today, but I will say that the way this transition happened was so clearly drafted and executed by God that it still takes my breath away.

So yes, I feel like I am drowning.  I feel like I cannot get my head up to a place where I can take a breath -- like the minute I begin to see the sun's rays at the surface of the water, something else pulls me back under, back to a place where I wonder how in the world I will ever be able to do all of this.

But.

But I am happy.

It's a weird paradox, ya know... to be so incredibly stressed and overwhelmed and scared and tired, while simultaneously feeling so incredibly happy and like I am exactly where God intended me to be.

With a group of students who I know without a shadow of a doubt were handpicked for me, and me for them.  And surrounded by a team of teachers who inspire me in so many ways.  And in a school that has its priorities in all the right places.

So I will keep on swimming and doggy-paddling my way to the top, praying for God's provision during what honestly feels like the most stressful and overwhelming time of my entire life...

But the other person who is struggling?  My CK.  My mini-me. My sweet girl who is always affected by change, always affected by a shift in routine...

She's come a long way since we transitioned to being a divorced family.  Through counseling and lots of conversation and tears, she's grown so strong and brave and confident, adjusting fairly well to a family arrangement we never, ever imagined we'd have.  Until she recently lost her way a bit.  Maybe she, too, feels like she's under water.  She's been emotional and scared and attached to her mama and so many confusions and questions I worked to navigate about a year ago have resurfaced.  Questions and confusions that - at this time - I choose not to answer, which just makes it all even harder.  So if you're the praying kind, I'd be so, so appreciative if you don't mind saying a prayer for my sweet girl's sensitive heart, and for me to look to God to help me navigate this season and to help me be all my CK (and my boys!) need me to be.

Ok.  Let's move on to some random randoms...

*Like I said, my girl and I kicked off a new school year, and we sure do love being Trojans together!  I absolutely adore my teaching partner and my grade level team, and my girl absolutely loves her first grade teacher. <3

*Confession?  I'm still not a cat person.  Y'all - Moxie drives me freaking crazy.  Which is such a ridiculous thing to say, because she really is such an easy, low-maintenance pet.  But Lordy when CK is gone I usually consider selling her in the Walmart parking lot.  Well maybe not really, because my girl loves her Moxie so very much... but I now know with certainty I AM A DOG PERSON.

*Our air conditioning has been on the fritz for like three years and honestly should've been taken care of awhile ago -- because it finally gave up on us the other day.  Which meant the kiddos and I were sleeping 100% naked on top of a thin sheet until we could get it fixed.  I will never take the sweet sound of cold air coming out of a vent for granted ever ever again.

*Y'all know I love to read, but WHEN?!  I finally tried listening to some books on Audible, and I'm enjoying it!!  I listen every morning while I get ready for work or any time I am in the car alone, and I have already gone through three books.  Any other audio-book-app suggestions?

*It took several years, but I think I finally solved the mystery of WHY DOES EVERETTE'S HAIR DO THAT.

That is my dad.  And that is the sweet cowlick(S) he somehow managed to pass down to my son.

*You guys, I'm pretty sure I need shoulder surgery.  And I'm not happy about it.  I don't have time to go to the doctor, much less be incapacitated for even a minute.  So I keep hoping if I ignore it, it'll just go away.  That works sometimes, right?

*Have you tried the (somewhat) new spiked seltzer water?  I am obsessed.  And why didn't someone think of this a long time ago?!

*Think I can somehow sucker my mama into living with me during the school year?!  She came into town for a bit a couple weeks ago and gosh there's just nothing quite like having our Bammy here. <3

*Y'all, our Aldi is closing down for like two months for renovations and I'm freaking out.  What am I going to do without my Aldi?!  Besides completely blow my grocery budget.  I am legitimately upset and worried about this!!

*Can we please talk about Everette for a minute?  This kid will steal your heart in a minute, but boy does he try my patience.  For example, he recently opened his car door -- with his foot -- while we were driving down the highway.  He has spent a lot of his time with his face in the corner this summer, but I really do think he's starting to exit the threenager stage AND THE ANGELS SANG HALLELUJAH.

*Speaking of my E, he and his little sidekick started at a brand new preschool last week.  And they LOVE it.  This school just opened up, and it is filled with the most amazing people who teach and love my kids and it just feels good.  The boys have walked right in from day one without a single tear, which helps this working mama feel good.

*And somehow by the grace of the good Lord above we all four survived our first full week of school/work!!  This past Friday we were all basically army-crawling to the finish line of our week.  But before our heads hit our pillows earrrrly that night, we decided ice cream for dinner was both needed and deserved.

*So.  I've written before how much I love the My Intent project, the meaning behind the bracelets and what the company is all about.  I've had two bracelets so far...

--The words I chose for my first one were BE STILL.  The beginning of my most favorite bible verse.  It was a time when my entire life was shattered into broken pieces all around me.  So these words reminded me to wait, to listen, to feel, to grieve, to pray, to learn, to trust... to just be still.

--My second one?  CHOOSE JOY.  After a long time of "being still," and after a lot of hard work and counseling and prayers and provision, I finally gave myself permission to walk away from an excruciating situation that was leaving me emotionally battered and bruised.  I gave myself permission to let go of the dreams I had, for my kids and for me, and to do all the hard things I needed to do in order to walk toward the sunshine.  And that particular phrase reminded me of just that - that I was walking toward something.

--And now?  The second part of my most favorite verse.  AND KNOW.  Know He's with me.  God's got me.  HE is my everything and the primary source of my hope and my joy.  Know that I am exactly where I am supposed to be.  Know that everything is not only going to be okay... it's going to be beyond my wildest hopes and dreams and be so full of yellow.  It is a reminder to let go of my fears, my worries, my questions, my doubts... and just KNOW.