Timehop.
An app that shows you what you were doing/posting/taking pictures of one, two, three, four years ago.
Usually I open up the app and am flooded with pictures of my three littles, and I nearly drown in the nostalgia of the memories and in the realization that time really is passing so quickly.
And then, a picture like this pops up...
I remember this exact moment so vividly. It was a moment in which time seemed to be at a standstill, a moment in which I either wanted to rewind or fast-forward... mostly, I just wanted to wake up from the nightmare that had become my everyday life.
When I took this picture, I had just finished a long run across the dam at Lake Murray, near where my parents live in South Carolina. I remember trying to get through the run, stuck inside a body that, once strong, had crumbled as a result of my grief. I had lost almost 40 pounds in four months. My broken heart was like a disease that affected every other part of my body, and I was withering away.
I was frustrated with my weakness, and I sat at the rocks at the end of the dam and let my tears fall into the lake.
I can still smell the air, feel the humidity, taste the saltiness of my sweat, hear the constantly-anxious beating of my heart. Remembering the pain that punctuated every moment of my life back then brings a knot to my throat and stinging tears to my eyes.
That me, from one year ago today? I want to go sit beside her on that rock. I want to hold her hand, squeeze it tightly, and let her know she's going to find her way through the wreckage. I want to tell her to continue to Be Still, continue to be patient and strong and brave. I want her to know I'm proud of her. I want to beg her to not lose the hope she's fighting so hard to hold onto.
And I want to tell her that though she needs to live this moment, feel this heartbreak, accept this loss, cry these tears... I want to tell her that I promise that she will make it through to the other side of the pain, and that she will be better for it.
So, I decided to do just that...
...
Dear One-Year-Ago Me,
I know you're scared. I know your heart feels like it has been broken into a million tiny pieces that feel impossible to put back together.
I know the past four months have revealed to you things you never thought you'd see, hear, know, believe.
I know you're holding so tightly onto Jesus, but also struggling with your faith.
I know you feel like you'll never trust again, and you also feel like that's not fair to you. I know you're angry, because you feel like the big, beautiful heart that God gave you will now always be scarred, is now forever changed.
I know you look into the beautiful faces of your three precious kids and it makes it all even harder to understand.
I know how you wake up each morning and open your eyes and immediately feel like you've been kicked in the stomach as soon as you remember everything.
I know how you go to bed each night dreading that moment in the morning when you'll first open your eyes.
And mostly, I know that you don't know what to do.
I wish I could tell you it'll all be okay. But those words are too simple to explain the messiest, most complex journey you will go through now and for the rest of your life.
I wish I could tell you that, one day, you will be fully healed... emotionally, mentally, and physically. But healing is not a linear process, and neither is grief.
So I can only say that you need to let yourself grieve and heal in all the ways that feel right to you. And let the emotions of each moment wash over you - the anger and the fear and the confusion and the distraught and the pain.
Let each tear take some of the sadness out of your body.
And then leave that moment, and move on to a new moment.
Each day, try to pick up another piece of your broken heart. Maybe it'll fit back into place? Maybe it doesn't anymore? And if it doesn't... bury it, or tuck it away neatly in the last chapter, and turn the page.
What you are going through will never make sense. It's not logical, there is no concrete equation for how to handle it... no handbook on what to do next.
What you feel starts each morning with that first, eyes-open-remembering-painful-breath, and then the feelings for that day end when you're finally able to fall back into your dreams at night.
What happens between the sun rising and your nighttime dreams will change each day... so give yourself grace. Forgive yourself. Keep forgiving him. Let yourself take steps forward and take steps backward as you need to.
Just keep taking steps.
Take care of yourself. Love yourself. Be kind to yourself.
And just keep promising yourself that you will listen to your heart and listen to Jesus.
Keep listening to Jesus.
Because I promise you that soon you will hear Him so loud and clear that it will make your heart skip a beat.
You will be lying in Cameron's bed, praying -- being still -- and all of the memories and realizations of the past seven months will collide in a moment in which Jesus himself will finally tell your heart with both certainty and clarity where to go from that moment and how to move into the next moment.
And I promise you that if you ever question His message in the following days, weeks, and months... Jesus will continue to bring to light everything you need to know, hear, see, and understand to feel with complete conviction that you had no other choice.
One-Year-Ago Me... You can do hard things. You've done the hardest thing already, because - somehow - you got through that awful January day, and you're still fighting to live in the sunshine.
I know this will be hard to believe, because I know how shattered your insides feel as you sit on that rock by the lake... but in a year, you will be the best version of you that you've ever been.
You will be strong.
You will be brave.
You will be proud.
You will still stumble, but you will understand the stumbles and will learn from them.
You will be living life in a place of yes, finding the yellow in each and everyday.
You will have glimpses of hope in your heart that make you look forward to tomorrow, and you will have moments that sometimes feel too good to be true... <3
One-Year-Ago Me... Keep holding onto that hopeful heart that God gave you. Keep holding onto that cheerful spirit. Feel the sadness and feel the pain, but don't lose yourself in it all.
I don't know what our forever is going to look like, and I can't promise anything about how our life will end up. But I can promise you that one year from this tear-filled, Be-Still moment by the lake... your heart will feel full and hopeful and happy... happier... maybe even the happiest it has ever felt in your entire life.
Love,
The Me Who Decided to Choose Joy
Oh, hello end-of-the-school year. Where in the world did you come from?!
As the kiddos and I wrap up the year and welcome summer, here are a few randoms and happenings in our chaotic neck of the woods…
*Youguys. Last weekend my trio and I trekked out of town and had the best time. The main reason for the trip was this little girl:
Bella
celebrated her third birthday – which was also her FIRST birthday here
in our arms. My older sister, as per usual, threw an amazing,
Pinterest-worthy party and it was just a day full of celebrating the
fact that we’ve got this girl exactly where she’s supposed to be. <3
*So, another reason for the visit was because – as I’ve mentioned before – I have the worst TMD (misaligned jaw). It’s basically all due to clenching my teeth, which is a result of stress (LIFE-1, Jessie-0)… anywho, my amazing littlest sister is an orthodontist in SC and referred me to an awesome jaw specialist… which led to an appointment where all kinds of testing was done, medicines were prescribed, and I was sedated so that I could receive 12 injections into my jaw and coordinating muscles. Hopefully I’m finally on the road to getting rid of this TMD mess!
*Oh, and I lucked out with picking this particular weekend to go visit my family, because my older sister just so happened to have a 90’s themed party to attend Saturday night… and I got to tag along! We borrowed cheerleading uniforms from our former high school and wore our letter jackets to rock our 90’s look – and we won best costume!!
*And the last reason for our trip – Mother’s Day! This year, I knew I needed to spend Mother's Day weekend surrounded by some of the most amazing mamas on the planet. And I had such a great day and was honestly spoiled by my family and my kiddos (thank you to those who played a part in this!).
*While I'm talking about trips, I guess I should mention NASHVILLE! Y'all... my high school girlfriends surprised me with a trip for my birthday last month, and it.was.amazing. Like, one of the absolute best weekends I've ever had in 35 years of living. And also? I LOVE NASHVILLE!!
Oh, and I got a tattoo. Which I'm obsessed with. I've had it planned for quite awhile, but kept it a secret.
A semicolon -- the punctuation an author uses when they could've stopped, but chose to keep writing... <3
*Speaking of writing - there's a girl who I've basically had a big ol' blog crush on for YEARS. We were fast internet friends and had so much in common in so many seasons of our lives. Like, it was scary how much we felt destined to be friends. But geography was not in our favor. Until it was, and she happened to be in good ol' Carrollton.
I could've talked to her for hours days. And I am crossing all of my fingers and toes that sooner than later we can laugh and cry together again!
*So, my trio and I saw a baby armadillo during our neighborhood walk the other day. What in the...
*And speaking of my neighborhood - can we talk about how lucky I am to have neighbors who are like family, neighbors who will drop what they are doing to fix a pipe, play with the kids so I can go for a run, take some of my laundry home, drop off yummy treats?! It truly does take a village, and I'm so grateful for mine!
*I recently decided that I love having fresh flowers in the house. I've never had them in the past, but have now realized how much fresh flowers can brighten a room (and my mood!).
*Cameron Kate and Everette wrapped up their spring soccer seasons, and the angels sang Hallelujah. I’m all kinds of pumped when it’s time for the first practice, but by the end – I AM SO SICK OF PUTTING SHIN GUARDS AND TALL SOCKS ON MY THREENAGER. Not to mention the fact that with their schedules, we had soccer on Mondays, Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays. SOS.
Cameron continues to love soccer, and learned a lot this season.
Everette spent the beginning of the season smiling, the middle of the season not listening and throwing tantrums on the sidelines, and at the very end I succeeded in bribing him to play (and he even scored his first goal!).
Cameron wants to keep playing soccer, and E’s decided he’d like to try teeball in the fall, so we’ll see how that goes!
*As for summer sports/camps, we’re going to lay low this summer with a week of Vacation Bible School for all and a week of horseback-riding camp for CK. Other than that we are gladly taking a break from our scheduled, organized life.
*And we are welcoming summer with open arms because TODAY WAS THE LAST DAY OF SCHOOL!! I've got a couple teacher work days next week, but today was the last day for the kids. Honestly, today was bittersweet for me, and I was an emotional wreck. Getting a job at my school was such a God wink. I was lost and broken, literally withering away both physically and emotionally. And then, I found myself -- at this elementary school, surrounded by the most incredible administrators, teachers, staff, and students. CES has been my anchor and my safe haven for the past ten months, and I am so honored to be a part of the Trojan family...
*I do have to admit that I'm excited to take a break from packing school lunches. Amiright?!
*As we wrapped up the school year, we've had all kinds of graduations/celebrations and performances. Brooks wrapped up his first year at "school" with donuts and field day...
...and Everette graduated from his class with a celebration and the "Best Smile" award.
Today was both of the boys' last day at their current school, as they will be attending a new preschool in the fall. We are so grateful for the teachers who have loved on them this year! It was a tough transition since they have both been home with me since birth, but we all made it!!
*As for my girl, today we bid kindergarten adieu. Look at how much she's grown up!
Over the past couple weeks, we've celebrated with a sing-along and a goodbye brunch and lots of squeezing her bestest friends and amazing teachers.
I am blown away by Cameron Kate and how well she's done this year. Life as she knew it was completely flipped upside down, and I was so worried about how it would affect her in school. But, God put her with the absolute perfect teachers, surrounded by the most amazing friends, and she had such a wonderful first year in elementary school.
And - she got the "Master Writer" award. We all know that made my mama heart proud! :)
*With that, it's time to say hello to summer, hello to new adventures, hello to new beginnings. Hello to finding my way, hello to saying yes, hello to making memories. And rather than focusing on the goodbyes, I am going to try with all of my might to keep focusing on the hello's, on the tomorrows, and on the rising sun that each new day brings... <3
