I will, too.

In between all of my smiles and my brave and my okay-Jessie-be-strong-self-pep-talks, there are still so many moments where I literally cannot catch my breath. Like, the air will not fill up my lungs because it is all so raw and all still feels so unbelievable.

And honestly, I think it always will be-- surreal.

Trauma is defined as a deeply distressing or disturbing experience.  And anyone who has ever experienced a traumatic event knows that no matter how "recovered" you are, it is and always will be there.  It will always be a part of you, always be a part of your story.

And it probably feels and always will feel like somewhat of an open wound, because it was a life-altering event you never, ever saw coming.

So yeah... sometimes it's still hard to breathe, ya know?

And today, in God’s always perfect timing, I found myself lost in this article sent to me by a dear friend.

And I was reminded, and hope you will be, too... that sometimes we just have to live in our truth in order to live in His. That God will give you moxie to make it through your current storm.

And that we can do all hard things, because of Him.

God will not forsake you, He will not betray you, He will never break your heart.

And while God cannot control the choices of others, or prevent your pain and heartbreak... He can and He will help you heal the broken, help you fill up the emptiness with a light and a strength and a hope you never knew existed in the depths of your soul - a soul He created.

If there’s one thing of which I feel certain, it is that there is joy waiting for me. I’m not sure what it is, what it will look like, where it will be-- but with all of my heart, I know it’s coming.

Just as He rose, I will, too.

In the depths of my soul I can feel something.  I can feel the tiny flicker of a flame of hope that will soon light my path to an entirely new kind of happiness.

The clouds are clearing, you guys...

 

Don’t get lost in your storm. 

Have your moment, live your moment— whether that moment is a day or weeks or, in my case, many, many, many months.

But listen to Him... and He will guide you in leaving that moment, when it is time.

When it is time to leave behind your sorrow, sever the brokenness to find your whole self... when it is time to hear what He truly wants for you.

...

I remember in one of the most vivid moments of my entire life, sitting in my daughter's room last August: I felt God. Actually felt Him and heard Him.

He took my hand, holding my heart in the palm of His.

And He began leading me out of my storm.

He never promised this would be easy, you guys. But He did promise He’d walk with us through it all.

And in a time where I have questioned everything I’ve ever known about love and loyalty and trust and forever... I have more love and hope and faith in God than I ever have, ever before.

In the One who will be with me, forever.

He’s still holding my hand- a little less tightly than before, because I’m a little steadier on my feet these days.

And He’s reminding me to breathe when I can’t find the air, and He’s telling me that it’s coming, it’s coming... something is coming... the rising is coming. <3

one-and-a-HALF!

Brooks, Brooksy-poo, Caboose, 'Boosey, my little blonde-headed, 26-pound nugget of pure joy:

You are one-and-a-HALF!

We all know I love to celebrate all the things, including half birthdays.  And I cannot believe we're already halfway to you being two.

You are a mess.

You are smart and silly, playful and sneaky, such a ham and such a heart-stealer.  And it's not just me who is wrapped around those sweet fingers - your big sister is smitten, as are all of the teachers at your school.  And pretty much anyone you come across as you smile and wave, "Hi!!!!!"

As for your big brother?  He prefers to clothesline you as he runs full-speed down the hallway.  I think in brother-land that's called love.

You like to make messes and throw your food across the room.  You prefer to tell other people "No!", but don't like to be told "no" yourself.

You have officially been introduced to the timeout corner, and I have a sneaking suspicion it'll become a regular place for you to occupy in the coming years.

You wake up before the sun even thinks about rising... so, so, so early.  It's like the minute your eyes open you think, YES!  IT'S TIME TO LIVE ANOTHER DAY!!

You love to nod "yes" and shake your head "no," and you're talking nonstop... a lot of words/sentences in, perhaps, your own language.  But so many other new words and I am just so proud.  It's more than I can count, but some of my favorites~ Bye!  Moxie; Outside; Water; Stuck!; Hi Sissy!; Cup; Ball; Stuck!; Sliiiiide; No!; Thank-you; Cracker; Uh oh!; Look!; Toe-toes.

But my most favorite?

LOLLY!!!

You are obsessed with lollipops.  You will sneak into the "childproofed" candy drawer, weasel your chubby little arm through the crack, and wrap those fingers around a lollipop, running across the room shouting LOLLY! so very proudly.

And usually I just let you have it, no matter if it's 6am, because you're so stinking cute and #pickyourbattles.

Your eye color still perplexes me -- are they brownish?  Greenish?  Are they both a different color?

And the blonde hair... oh that blonde hair!!

You love to play with a ball of any variety, love when everyone claps for you, and love to stomp and dance and jump and you can actually finally get some air!

You prefer to snuggle with and sleep on top of your blanket, you only swing your left arm when you're running, and you will eat just about anybody under the table.

Brooks, I've said it before and I'll say it again:  I believe with all of my heart that God was so very intentional when he gave me you.  You, my caboose, a baby when getting pregnant was supposed to be pretty much impossible.  A baby who was the reason I had to get out of bed for many, many months when I just wanted to stay hidden in my darkness.  A baby who has the most joyful, sunshine-filled soul.  A baby who quite possibly saved my life.

One day, you'll be old enough to understand it all.

But for now, I will snuggle you and give you your snacks and let you sneak LOLLIES! and  tickle your Flinstone-shaped feet and smooch the space between your neck and your shoulder until you giggle uncontrollably.

I love you enough, Brooks.  I love you SO big.

Happy one-and-a-HALF!

~Mama