Thursday, January 29, 2015

I Remember.

To the woman who continues to see that negative pregnancy test, promising herself she won't take another test and put herself through yet another disappointment... I remember.

To the woman who is so tired of calling to schedule OBGYN appointments because you're not pregnant... I remember.

To the woman who is so overwhelmed by the diagnoses and medical verbiage thrown at you, and even more overwhelmed when you type those words into Google... I  remember.

To the woman who just got about $10,000 worth of medicines delivered to your doorstep, making you feel both excited and anxious and terrified... I remember.

To the woman who feels like everyone, everyone, everyone is pregnant - but not you... I remember.

To the woman who feels like you are constantly controlled by your hormones, forever at their mercy... I remember.

To the woman who feels like all spontaneous intimacy with your husband has been lost... I remember.

To the woman who feels like all she gets is bad news from the doctor, dreading the phone calls and lab results and ultrasounds... I remember.

To the woman who is constantly fighting the battle between feeling hopeful and hopeless... I remember.

To the woman who has an alarm set to give herself painful shots each night, mixing hormones and crossing your fingers and toes that the one remaining egg will just grow, grow, grow... I remember.

To the woman who is grieving the loss of your unborn, newly developing, precious baby... I remember.

To the woman who wants so badly to celebrate other pregnancy announcements, yet can't shake the ache in your bones to have the same news, and the guilt for feeling jealous and resentful... I remember.

To the woman who struggles to remain faithful... I remember.

I'm not here to tell you that your time will come - that God has a plan - that everything happens for a reason - that you should just relax - that you should be thankful for what you do have.  I know how much those words can hurt.

I'm here to tell you that though I'm on the other side of my journey... I remember.

I know there are quite a few of you who found my blog because of my struggle through secondary infertility and multiple pregnancy losses.  People who found solace in knowing they weren't alone.  

I remember following other bloggers who shared some of my struggles, and when they overcame their infertility and were celebrating pregnancies and birthing babies, it hurt - because I was back to feeling so isolated.

If you're still struggling, know that I haven't forgotten.  And I never will.  I will always, always remember the heartache, the disappointment, the stress, the depression, the worry, the fear.  I know how incredibly blessed T and I are, and trust me - not a day goes by that we don't remind each other of that.  I look down at E every single day and am so incredibly overwhelmed with joy and thankfulness.  And seeing his face reminds me to always, always remember the journey we took to get him here.

So please know, I will always remember.  I will always consider myself part of your world - a world one can only truly understand if they've heard the words "pregnancy loss" or "D&C" or "IUI" or "IVF" or "infertile."

You're not alone... please don't ever feel alone.  And know that my wish for you is to remain hopeful, so hopeful, no matter how hard it is.  And I promise that I will always, always remember.

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