Decisions

From the minute you find out you’re pregnant, you’re constantly facing decisions concerning the health and well-being of your baby.  For nine neverending months you make decisions about what to register for (Who knew there were so many types of bottles?! Or that something called a Boppy would be a daily necessity?), if you’re going to find out the sex, what kind of nursery to create, how you plan on birthing the baby, what you’ll name the baby, which pediatrician to use, what kind of car seat you’ll need… trust me, the list goes on, and on, and on.

And then your baby is born – and the decisions get even bigger, even harder.  Making that oh-so-difficult decision about your nursery theme seems so minute, so ridiculous.  Because now you’re making the real decisions, the big decisions – like who will take care of your child while you’re a working mama, whether to keep trying to breastfeed or give up and go to formula, whether or not to sleep train, how to begin teaching your baby all about the big, scary world she just entered…

And whether or not to choose surgery in order to try to give your little girl a healthier, happier life.

That’s the decision that has been weighing heavily on our hearts since Cameron’s 12-month checkup, when she had yet another ear infection and we were referred to the ENT.  We knew we needed to wait to see what the ENT suggested, but the weeks leading up to the appointment included lots of conversations between T and me, weighing different scenarios, different options, different what-ifs.

We went to the ENT open-minded and anxious.  Within two minutes of Dr. M examining Cameron’s ears, we learned she had her fifth double ear infection (in six months) and that her hearing was as muffled as it sounds when you stick your fingers in your ears.

When he told us to do just that – stick our fingers in our ears to hear how muffled it sounds – my heart broke and my decision was made.  When I looked over at T’s face, I could tell his was, too.

It was an unspoken understanding.  An instant exchange of glances between the two of us told me that we were both heartbroken that our sweet, wild, nonstop little girl had no clue what the world really sounded like.

So the ear tube surgery is scheduled.  Thursday morning.  And while it is considered a fairly simple procedure, I can tell you there’s nothing simple about handing over your child, your heart, to a team of doctors who are going to put her under anesthesia… and walking away.

I can tell you that I know we’re making the right decision.  I can feel it in my bones after much thought and many prayers.

But I can also tell you that I am sick to my stomach with “what-ifs.”

I cannot wait until it’s all over and done with – a thing of the past – something to check off my proverbial list.

And while there will undoubtedly be many, many more difficult decisions to make as a mom, this one has me sleepless, stressed, and prayerful.

So, if you’re the praying kind, please add our little girl to your list on Thursday morning.

In the meantime, I’ll be working on staying positive and focusing on the end result of our decision -- no more ear infections or weekly alternating doses of antibiotics, and our sweet Cameron Kate having the opportunity to clearly hear all of the joyful noise this world has to offer.