Everything about my life -- or the life I thought I was living -- was gone.
Everything about who I was -- or who I thought I was -- was gone.
Or so I thought.
The day those pieces of my heart and soul lay all around me was the day I began my journey of truly finding my I AM.
For so many years, I had lost myself in being a wife and in being a mom. I identified myself and evaluated my worthiness within those two roles. If someone were to ask me what/who I was, my first instincts were to always say I AM a wife. I AM a mom.
But that is not all that I am. And those roles don't define me. Yet it took my life being cracked wide open, it took my world being flipped upside down to truly understand and find my I AM.
Because... there came a time when I wasn't a wife anymore. And there came a time that, while I was still a mom, I was without my children every other weekend. Weekends that used to feel dark and empty and haunting, because so much of my identity was tied up in being someone to somebody else. And when those somebody elses were gone, I felt like I didn't know who I was anymore.
It wasn't always pretty, this journey of mine. There was anger, frustration, tears, lots and lots of therapy, doubts, questions, very scary moments, miles and miles of running, prayers, faith, lack of faith, and faith again.
This journey of mine enabled me to discover the deepest and most authentic parts of who I am. Outside of no longer being a wife, outside of solely being a mom. I discovered and explored me, giving myself daily permission slips to try and learn and grow and fail and keep asking questions. Questions of my faith, of my heart, and of the innermost parts of my soul.
And through this process I have been able to understand myself more than I ever have before. I know and can put words to my desires, my hopes, my fears, my dreams, and my faith.
I have rediscovered passions that I had set aside for so long. I have allowed my heart to explore and fall into love again. I have become a better mom, focused more on quality of time than quantity of time. I have become a coparent who strives to create a healthy and happy "family" that always works together, even though we are not all together any longer.
But in all of the roles in my life, roles I have now, roles I hope to have again one day... I am finally feeling confident in who I AM. And I will be better in each and every way God chooses to use me, to guide me, because I will never lose my I AM again.
Because I AM me. That's all I've ever been... but there was a time when being me felt not good enough. A time when apparently my I am wasn't worthy of unconditional love. A time when I lost my I am in order to be someone else for everyone else.
And now, though my journey continues, though my healing will always be an ongoing process... I have found my I am. And I'm learning that that "I am" is worthy of unconditional love, because the most important unconditional love comes from Him, and comes from me.
And as I keep taking steps toward the sunshine, I am a me who is ready for the joy, the hope, the love, and the happiness He has always been preparing for me. I know that I am ready, and I will continue to tell myself and to work toward believing that I AM worthy, because I AM me.
