Some Confessions and GO AWAY JANUARY

Is it just me, or is January a crappy month that never, ever, ever, ever, EVER ends. 

Like, I just don't understand how it's still the first month of the year.  And while I'm not one to wish time away, January is not my favorite month because it is chock-full of way too many PTSD triggers.  So after I try to embrace the newness of a New Year and am all THIS YEAR IS GONNA ROCK on January the first, I pretty much want to fast-forward and get on with living the new year in February.

But, this is the month that never ends.  It just goes on and on my friends.  (Is the song stuck in your head now?  You're welcome.)

And at the end of this week I will be turning the pages of my calendar and it cannot come soon enough.

Now, onto some good ol' confessions/catch-ups--

*So, let's get this out of the way.  I was back and forth on whether or not to say anything, but I believe in the power of prayer and also have been pretty transparent, always, on this little ol' blog.  So - here goes nothing.

That is yes, a jug of pee.  Right alongside my Diet Dr. Pepper and some clementines in the fridge.  Long, emotional story short -- there have been some red flags in some recent medical tests, and I'm undergoing some further testing to try to figure out what the heck is going on with me.  Hence the pee.  Honestly?  I'm terrified.  But I've gone to the darkest what-if, and I've crawled my way back through the tunnel.  Now, I'm just ready for some answers... so that whatever the results are, I can start gathering information and make a plan and move forward out of this inbetween.  
Isn't the inbetween the worst?  It's like trying to live your life in a pit of quicksand.  I've done it, many times - the inbetween of waiting to confirm that the slowing of my babies' heartbeats inside of my body would eventually stop; the inbetween of finding out devastating news in my marriage and beginning a fight to save us, a fight that would leave me absolutely brokenhearted; the inbetween of wondering how I could ever keep going; the inbetween of finding a new normal and not knowing if I could really survive it; the inbetween of learning how to love and trust again when it goes against every fiber of my once-shattered heart; and now, the inbetween of waiting and waiting for medical test results.  There's no other choice but to walk through the valley of the inbetween, armed with courage and faith and hoping those two things win out over the soul-aching worries of "but what if" -- so, if you'll pray with me, as you always do, I would be so very grateful. <3

*Last heavy confession for now?  I confess that this awful January has rocked me... hard.  And it's taken some heavy counseling and revisiting some EMDR therapy to help work through and quiet my PTSD during the past 874 27 days.  And I hope that in being honest about this, it reminds you that needing counseling is OKAY, and healthy, and PTSD is no joke, and that taking care of ourselves - mentally, physically, emotionally - is so very important.

*LET'S LIGHTEN THINGS UP, shall we?  I confess that I recently discovered this safe and edible cookie dough at Walmart and the heavens parted and the angels sang HALLELUJAH.  So freaking good.

Yes, those are my high school track team sweatpants. Hashtag sexy.

*I confess that I'm a Netflix and Amazon Prime TV junkie and have recently fallen victim to Entourage and Suits.  LOVE. And yes #eyecandy - And so please give me all the good recommendations for shows to binge-watch for alllll my guilty pleasure.

*Y'all, I feel like after 100 days I have settled back into my role as classroom teacher (after many years out of the classroom thanks to school-administrator-turned-stay-at-home-mama).  I love my school and my kiddos and my team of teachers so very, very much and feel like I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.

Dressing like 1oo-year-olds on the 100th day of school!

*I confess that I went to a Justin Timberlake concert #bucketlist and screamed like a teenage girl and really and truly kinda hoped he'd ask me to marry him.

*Many of you have inquired about blog books.  As I recently mentioned, at the end of every year, I turn this blog into a book and I have them arranged on a shelf in my living room.  I use the website Blog2Print and have always been super pleased with the results.  Hardback, good quality, pictures are clear, you can add a dedication page, etc...

This is the first year I really shared with the kids what I am doing/writing, along with my dreams of being a "real" writer one day...  for some reason, this dream was hard to admit to even them!  But truthfully, if this little blog is all I ever "write" and publish and have between two hard covers, so be it.  I am so glad (and a little scared in vulnerability!) that my trio will get to read the inner-workings of my heart for many, many years to come...

*I confess that I now realize how addicted I am to running and exercising.  Because thanks to this...

I'm currently on a hiatus.  And taking away my ability to pound the pavement has been like taking away my ability to breathe.  Torn ligament, fracture, and a few weeks in this beauty have me benched.  Fingers and aching toes crossed that when I get re-Xrayed in a couple weeks I am showing improvement and will not need further treatment... cough-cough, surgery.

*My girl lost her second top tooth (finally!) and I confess that I hope those big ol' permanent Chiclets grow in suuuuuper slow because I cannot get enough of her gap-toothed smile and sweet little lisp.

*I confess that I HATE POTTY TRAINING.  And while I am so ready to not have to buy diapers anymore, I'm hoping Brooks will basically potty train himself, like CK and E did.  Because one accident in underwear yesterday and I was all, screw that, put on a diaper, I'm too tired.  Also, this caboose of mine?  Funniest.kid.ever.

*And my rule-testing Everette?  Also crossing my aching toes for him, because it seems as if he's turned the corner a little bit with his emotional and behavioral shenanigans.  Like, his teacher has given me multiple praise reports, and even texted me during the day that my sweet E took it upon himself to help a classmate write her name. OH my heart... <3

Also, I've signed him up for karate, and so far so good - hopefully it's just what his wild little spirit needs!

*I confess that I've always been an I'LL NEVER HAVE A TRAMPOLINE IN MY BACKYARD kind of mama because #brokenbones.  And this is coming from a girl who grew up with a trampoline in her backyard that had no pads, no net... and we'd flip and jump and twist and even douse it with laundry detergent and put the sprinkler underneath it to make it even more adventurous in the summertime.  Yet as a mama, I thought nope, no way, not here in my house.  And then...

I had been toying around with the idea of getting them a trampoline, thinking it may help my wild boys release some of their energy.  And then BAM God (in the form of my  incredible neighbor) was all here, you want a trampoline with a net, for free?  And they LOVE it!  And I SORTA LOVE IT, I'm just still realllllly nervous.

*I'll wrap up this lengthy list of confessions with the fact that I've recently realized how much of an introverted-extrovert I am.  Maybe it's because January is the most awful month for me, but I have found myself needing and starving for quiet, alone, "me" time.  Sometimes that quiet, alone, "me" time isn't pretty or easy or full of happy; yet, it is necessary.  And as much as I love being around people and socializing and laughing, I cannot be the best version of me without paying attention to what the deepest parts of "me" need the most...

With that, I thank you for reading my little confessional catch-up and I send you all my high fives because there are five days left and WE'VE ALMOST MADE IT.

Five Years Ago. and To Be Continued.

Five years ago I crossed two state lines, pulled into a town I'd only visited twice, and up to a house I'd only seen once.

Five years ago a chapter ended and a new page turned, starting a chapter titled with hope and excitement and anticipation of a brand new version of life we'd never known before.

Five years ago today, we moved to Georgia.

To a town where we knew no one, to a dot on a map I'd never even noticed before.  Far away from what was "home," far away from all of our families and friends.

But it all felt right as we started unpacking, making our new house our home, filling each room with dreams we wanted to make...

Almost exactly three years to the day we arrived in Georgia, every single dream I thought we'd built came crashing down around me, in the middle of a house and in the middle of a town that both immediately felt scary and lonely and dark and full of despair...

I can say with absolute, 100% certainty that if you would've told me five years ago today, the day I began our new life in Georgia, that my life would look like this half a decade later - I would've told you that you were absolutely insane.

Never, in one hundred million billion years did I picture my life to take the turn that it did...

Living in that same house, just my kids and me, rebuilding our lives and making new memories and new dreams while filling the emptiness with every ounce of laughter we have inside of our bellies... and also finding myself alone in that same house every other weekend, surrounded by the deafening sound of silence.

So I don't say a lot of things with certainty anymore... my trust in my dreams and in my future and in love itself is still wavering, fear still outlines the pieces of my heart that have found their way back together.  But what I am certain of?  Jesus did not come and die for me so that I could live life defeated...

It's hard, you know?  Hard going at it alone with three littles, hard being a working-full-time-single-mom, and probably hardest still being in a town, heck, in a state, where I have ZERO family.

BUT.

I am happy.

And you know, if you would've told me that five years after I pulled into my driveway for the first time, my life would take that awful turn that it did, but that I'd fight like hell and get back on my feet and find my courage-filled-way and feel JOYFUL?  I would've told you that you were even crazier than before.

I sit here, reflective on the past five years in this small Georgia town... And in complete transparency, lately I have felt tempted to leave, to move back home, back to all of my immediate family - all of the people who, to me, hold the only promised, unwavering, and unconditional love I've ever known...

But maybe I am home?  
Maybe I've arrived exactly where God intended me to be? <3

All I know now is that it's

To Be Continued...