Midweek Randoms!

I'm knee-deep in packing and my brain is too crazy to compose anything other than a midweek randoms post.  So, here are some invigorating tidbits from my brain and our world...

*You guys.  One of my new favorite times of the day is when I pick CK up from preschool.  Honestly, I love dropoff because FREEDOM!!  But when I pick her up, she is just the sweetest thing.  On the drive home, we keep the radio off and just talk and talk and talk about her day.  She just seems so little and so grown up all at the same time.  She tells me what books they read, what songs they sang, who was absent and why, what snack they ate, who she played with, who wasn't a good listener, etc.  I love, love, love these moments with my little-big girl!

*And speaking of my girl, she had an ENT appointment about a week and a half ago.  She's been complaining about her ears, and after her pediatrician checked and found no infection, we headed to the ENT.  She's had tubes for almost two-and-a-half years, and it's about time for those suckers to fall out.  The left one appears to be out, but stuck in the canal.  The right one looks like it may be starting to wiggle free, but we'll see.  The bad news is that her left ear drum still has a lot of pressure built up inside of it, which we discovered when they did a hearing test.  So, ear tubes round 2 may be in her future.  We go back in three months for another check... fingers crossed the tubes fall out on their own and her ears are healed!

*And more CK news - she's back at gymnastics!  But now that she's three years old, no more parent/tot classes!  She's officially in the Mighty 3's, which means E and I get to sit back and watch.  And it is so precious seeing her do things all by herself!  Honestly, she does much better when I'm not involved.  I also signed her up for Tball this spring, and I cannot WAIT!

*I really, really wanna watch Scandal.  I hear so many good things about that show, but I know I need to watch from the beginning.  Maybe we'll eventually find the time! Ha!!

*And now to toot my own horn - I'm at my pre-pregnancy weight!  Toot toot!  BUT, unfortunately, my pre-pregnancy weight was about 10 pounds heavier than my preferred weight (thank you IVF meds and hormones and shots).  During our infertility process, I gained about 10 pounds... Sooooo I'd still love to lose those pesky ten.  I'm hoping that continuing to run and workout and breastfeed will help these lbs get the heck outta here.

*We've started theme-day Fridays around these parts, and it's so fun!  It's all totally inspired by my awesome sister over at Doc Momma, who is the most kick-butt stay-at-home-mama.  We don't do anything extravagant... just a little something to look forward to at the end of the week.  So far we've done Alphabet Friday, which was a huge hit!  Frozen letter-shaped yogurt, alphabet fishing, alphabet-shaped lunch, writing letters in shaving cream, etc.  Stay tuned for more of what we do to celebrate Fridays!

*I sooooo want to show CK some of my all-time favorite Disney movies, like Snow White, Aladdin, etc.  But you can't find them anywhere!  I think it's ridiculous that they keep them in the "vault."

*And speaking of Disney - that's where we're headed TOMORROW!  To celebrate my mother-in-law's 60th birthday, we surprised her with a trip to the most magical place on Earth.  I have never seen anyone who loves Disney World as much as my husband's stepmom!  It'll be my father-in-law, mother-in-law, sister-in-law, brother-in-law, two nephews, T, and CK.  That's right, E is staying at home, with my mama - he's not quite ready for all of Disney's magic. :)  And man, oh man, I am going to miss this face:

As hard as it is going to be leaving him, I know he'll be in great hands with his Bammy, and I am going to soak up the one-on-one time with my CK.  I cannot wait to celebrate Grammy and spoil our girl!  

I'll be back post-Disney World with tons of pictures and details from our trip.  Prayers for safe travels and for my buddy to do okay without us would be appreciated!!

Happy Hump Day!

Happy Valentine's Day!

Happy <3 Day from my two little Valentines!

And also?

He said yes, yet again. I guess I have to share him! :) So lucky to be celebrating our 13th day-o-love together...

Happy Valentine's Day!!

35!

He was 22 when we met and started dating.

He was 25 when I moved to North Carolina so we could stop being long-distance.

He was 28 when he got down on one knee in my third-grade classroom and when we said "I do" on a beach in St. John.

He was 30 when we both got our Master's degrees.

He was 31 when we first laid eyes on our daughter.

He was 33 when he took a leap of faith and took a new job in a new state, promising a new adventure for our little family.

He was 34 when we met our son, our miracle.

And today, he's 35.

For each year that I've been a part of his life, he has made me a better person.  It is always an honor for me to be able to help him celebrate his birthdays.  He is my best friend, my rock, the most hardworking person I know, an amazing dad to our children, and my favorite person in the whole wide world.

I love you, T.  Happy Birthday!

What Did You Do Today?

When I first transitioned from working-mom to stay-at-home-mom, this question made me cringe.

T would walk through the door, give hugs and kisses to all parties, and then ask, "So, what did y'all do today?"

I always got defensive.

Like I needed to justify being home all day.  Not contributing to our family financially was a hard pill to swallow at first.  I knew I was contributing in other ways... but it felt weird being completely dependent upon someone else for our income, even if that someone else was my husband.

When I was working, we met each other with a "HOW was your day?" once arriving home.  Now that his end-of-the-day question was, "WHAT did y'all do today?" I always felt like I needed to have a laundry list (pun intended) of things to tell him.

You see, a stay-at-home-mom's daily accomplishments are not always tangible or even visible.  It's more about staying afloat, meeting everyone's needs, surviving the day relatively unscathed, minus a boo-boo or two.

Lately, mostly since we added E to our family, I've felt like a chicken with my head cut off.  I literally don't stop moving from the time I wake up until the time I pass out in bed - or usually, on the couch in the middle of a DVR'd episode of The Bachelor.  (BTW, he's nice and all, but boring, no?)

The other day I was talking to my older sister who is pretty much the queen of stay-at-home-mamas, seemingly always having her sh*t together and actually accomplishing the pins she finds on Pinterest (I didn't know people actually did those things on Pinterest).  I told her I was feeling overwhelmed lately... like my days were blurs and nonstop motion and running around trying to stay afloat but then... at the end of the day I'm looking around like, what did I even do today?!

She, doing her big-sister and stay-at-home-mama-expert job, reassured me that I am in fact getting things done.  But that the "things" we get done from sun-up to sun-down may be tasks that we don't even realize, but tasks that are still oh-so-important (sorry for the overuse of hyphens... stay with me...)

Now, I am the queen of a to-do list, finding immense pleasure in drawing little squares beside my tasks and happily putting a check mark in those boxes once said tasks are completed.  However, I'd recently gotten away from making such lists.  Instead, I've been keeping mental lists in my head and sometimes asking Siri to remind me to do things at a set time.

After talking to my sister about it all, I decided it was time to get back to my love of to-do-list-making (more hyphens!).  She said maybe writing down all of the mundane things I'm doing each day (laundry!  dinner!  dishwasher!) will show me that I am, in fact, getting a lot of stuff done amidst the happy chaos as a stay-at-home-mama of two.

I found a cute new notebook.  And a pen.  And started drawing my squares and listing my tasks under each day of the week, planning out my to-dos.

And I have to say, at the end of my first to-do-list day, it was nice to look at my notebook and see a tangible list of all I'd accomplished.

I also realized that a lot of what takes up my day may not be a task beside a square inside of a cute notebook from Target.

Because if met with the question, "What did you do today?" - here's a typical honest answer:

Well....
I got Cameron up and dressed and teeth brushed and hair did.
And I nursed Everette.
And changed his diaper and got him dressed.
And made breakfast for CK and then pumped while she ate breakfast.
And then I did the dishwasher while I scarfed down a quick English muffin.
And then I went to do a load of laundry, but realized there was already a load in there I forgot to start.
And I washed the pots and pans from last night's dinner.
And kissed a boo-boo.
And got a bandaid for said boo-boo.
And cleaned up the toys from the morning.
And made a doctor's appointment.
And put the load of laundry into the dryer.
And paid a bill online.
And nursed E.
And took CK to gymnastics.
And nursed E.
And froze the milk I pumped this morning.
And ordered some pictures for E's baby book.
And put CK in timeout.
And made CK some lunch.
And talked to CK about her behavior and our reward system.
And vacuumed while eating my own sandwich while bouncing E in the Ergo carrier.
And played Barbies with CK.
And coached E through some tummy time.
And nursed E.
And wrote thank-you notes.
And put both kids down for a nap.
And squeezed in a quick 20-minute Jillian Michaels workout.
And prepped dinner.
And finalized vacation plans.
And nursed E.
And called the insurance company to request new cards.
And planned CK's preschool holiday party.
And organized CK's valentines.
And nursed E.
And read CK some books.
And taught CK the sound of the letter B.
And tried to convince her that the number "eleventeen" does not exist.
And helped CK spell her name with playdoh.
And shopped online for a birthday present.
And painted CK's toenails.
And started cooking dinner.
And nursed E.
And gave both kids a bath.
And finished cooking dinner.
And DADDY'S HOME!
And I run and take a quick shower while T has both kids, we eat dinner, I do the dishes while T puts CK down, I nurse E, sing him a song, put him to bed, and hellooooo wine and couch and trashy reality tv and my husband.
But usually I'm asleep in like 20 minutes.

So THAT'S what I did today.  And I have to tell myself, it's okay, it's enough.  I am enough.

I am the meal-making, dish-doing, house-cleaning, laundry-folding, boo-boo kissing, book-reading, errand-running, activity-planning, appointment-making, milestone-documenting, budget-keeping, letter-teaching, present-buying, party-planning, grocery-store-going, milk-making mama and wife - the best two jobs in the whole world.

And I don't have a boss giving me a raise or patting me on the back or telling me, "Good job!  Way to fold that laundry!"  And I don't have a paycheck to take to the bank.

But I do get paid in the best possible way.

It comes in the form of a husband's smile when he walks through the door... a little girl needing a hug from her mama when she gets hurt... a baby napping on my chest with a tummy full of milk.

And a home that I take pride in keeping warm and organized and happy amid the wonderful chaos of our lives.

Today, I was a mom, and a wife.  And it was enough.

3 Months

It's been three months since our precious Everette Lawrence stole our hearts, and T and I ask each other everyday how we ever lived life without him.

This past month has been an awesome one for our little guy.  He sleeps 10-12 hours at night, nurses every 2-3 hours during the day, drinks about 4.5 ounces if he's taking a pumped bottle, enjoys the Ergo, found his hands and is using them to grab toys, loves to look at himself in the mirror, discovered his tongue, and is starting to give us little giggles!  I could listen to him "talk" and coo all day long.  He is such a happy boy, and will always give you a big grin when you lock eyes with him and smile.

Perhaps my favorite thing about this month is how he's fallen in love with his big sister.  It's like he all of a sudden realized she's here, and you can feel their unconditional love.  She always helps me put him down for his naps, rocking him and singing him her own, made-up songs.  And when she's in the room, he will not take his eyes off of her, following her every move and just smiling and cooing at her.  Watching them love each other is one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. <3

Everette Lawrence, you are an absolute bundle of joy... the happiest baby who truly lights up our world.

And you remind me each and everyday that all good things are worth fighting for.

I Remember.

To the woman who continues to see that negative pregnancy test, promising herself she won't take another test and put herself through yet another disappointment... I remember.

To the woman who is so tired of calling to schedule OBGYN appointments because you're not pregnant... I remember.

To the woman who is so overwhelmed by the diagnoses and medical verbiage thrown at you, and even more overwhelmed when you type those words into Google... I  remember.

To the woman who just got about $10,000 worth of medicines delivered to your doorstep, making you feel both excited and anxious and terrified... I remember.

To the woman who feels like everyone, everyone, everyone is pregnant - but not you... I remember.

To the woman who feels like you are constantly controlled by your hormones, forever at their mercy... I remember.

To the woman who feels like all spontaneous intimacy with your husband has been lost... I remember.

To the woman who feels like all she gets is bad news from the doctor, dreading the phone calls and lab results and ultrasounds... I remember.

To the woman who is constantly fighting the battle between feeling hopeful and hopeless... I remember.

To the woman who has an alarm set to give herself painful shots each night, mixing hormones and crossing your fingers and toes that the one remaining egg will just grow, grow, grow... I remember.

To the woman who is grieving the loss of your unborn, newly developing, precious baby... I remember.

To the woman who wants so badly to celebrate other pregnancy announcements, yet can't shake the ache in your bones to have the same news, and the guilt for feeling jealous and resentful... I remember.

To the woman who struggles to remain faithful... I remember.

I'm not here to tell you that your time will come - that God has a plan - that everything happens for a reason - that you should just relax - that you should be thankful for what you do have.  I know how much those words can hurt.

I'm here to tell you that though I'm on the other side of my journey... I remember.

I know there are quite a few of you who found my blog because of my struggle through secondary infertility and multiple pregnancy losses.  People who found solace in knowing they weren't alone.  

I remember following other bloggers who shared some of my struggles, and when they overcame their infertility and were celebrating pregnancies and birthing babies, it hurt - because I was back to feeling so isolated.

If you're still struggling, know that I haven't forgotten.  And I never will.  I will always, always remember the heartache, the disappointment, the stress, the depression, the worry, the fear.  I know how incredibly blessed T and I are, and trust me - not a day goes by that we don't remind each other of that.  I look down at E every single day and am so incredibly overwhelmed with joy and thankfulness.  And seeing his face reminds me to always, always remember the journey we took to get him here.

So please know, I will always remember.  I will always consider myself part of your world - a world one can only truly understand if they've heard the words "pregnancy loss" or "D&C" or "IUI" or "IVF" or "infertile."

You're not alone... please don't ever feel alone.  And know that my wish for you is to remain hopeful, so hopeful, no matter how hard it is.  And I promise that I will always, always remember.

Always, Sometimes, Never

I always...

...fall asleep on the couch before I go upstairs and get in bed.

...have to play Cameron Kate's cd's in the car, and it drives me crazy.  When I get to ride down the road solo and listen to the actual radio, I feel like I'm on vacation.

...do laundry on Mondays.

...drinks tons of water, everyday, all day long.

...wash my face at night, no matter how tired I am.  Probably because I am obsessed with my skincare products, Rodan + Fields.  I work for the company and have for two years, which means I get to write-off these awesome products.  Win, win!

...pop my knuckles.  Such a bad habit!

...eat Greek yogurt now.  I made the switch from regular yogurt a couple years ago, and now the regular stuff tastes awful to me!

...want to start wearing cute pajamas, but inevitably end up in a ratty old tshirt and baggy pants.

...make CK use hand sanitizer as soon as she gets into the car from preschool/running errands/etc.  I think it has helped a lot during this crazy cold and flu season!

...hate when public bathrooms have hand dryers rather than paper towels!

...wish I had a decent singing voice.  It's terrible!


I sometimes...

...skip having a drink or two at night, but very rarely.

...take baths.  Which is a big change, because this used to fall under the "never" category.  Mostly, I soak in hot, smell-good bubbles and sip wine, using the "Babe, I need to take a bath" excuse to sit in a room by myself for awhile.

...think I should try couponing to save money, but then I'm too lazy to try.

...imagine what it would be like if I could write for a living.  It's no secret that I love to write, as you can see from this narcissistic blog.  The thought of getting paid to write?  That would seem too good to be true.

...like white wine, but almost always prefer red.

...feel like I have no idea how to parent a three-year-old.  I just ordered a book recommended to me by my sister, who is a pretty amazing mama, so I'm hoping it'll help me!

...think I could be a vegetarian.  I really could probably do without meat.  Except seafood.  I love seafood.

...am embarrassed to drive our minivan.  So vain, I know.  We sold our nicer cars to help pay for fertility treatments, and now T drives a 1990ish Honda Odyssey.  When I have to drive it, I'm always hoping I don't see anyone I know!

...but rarely, skip exercising.  Whether it be running, or walking, or Jillian Michaels, or just some lunges, I feel like I have to try to move each day.  It helps me feel sane, but also...


I never...

...knew how hard it would be to get my body back after baby #2.

...cut my sandwiches.  I eat them as one big square, around the edges first, then the middle.

...am able to diet.  I can work out every single day, but have never had that same discipline when it comes to eating.  I am in love with food.

...floss.  My hub flosses every single night, and for whatever reason, I just cannot get myself in the habit.  (Sorry to my dentist sister!)

...drink diet drinks anymore.  During our fertility struggles, a naturopathic doctor convinced me to switch to regular.  Now, diet tastes awful to me.  So, one cup of coffee in the morning, and one regular Coke in the afternoon.

...put my kids to bed without whispering to them our own, special sayings and thanking God for allowing me to be their mama.

...cook on the weekends.  I tell T that the weekends are a break from my "job," too.

...go a day without eating fruit.  Almost always a banana in the morning and an apple in the afternoon.

...take it for granted that I am able to be a stay-at-home mama.  I spent two years as a full-time working mom, and in my opinion, there was nothing harder.  Financially, it's not easy for us to make this happen, but we're trying, and I am so thankful.

...go without having something sweet to eat after dinner. (See: baby weight.)

...forget what it was like during our pregnancy losses and fertility struggles (more on that in another post, soon) - which means no matter how exhausted or overwhelmed or stressed I feel in this whole mama-of-two gig, I am always, always grateful. <3